Submission.

Submission to God's plan. Submission to the present. Submission to what is.
I don't know about you, but submitting is the hardest thing for me. I grew up rebellious and wild. At yield to no one. I secretly named myself Abril Azra, which means Open Fire. I couldn't be tamed, and I didn't want to be. I'm still a flame, and I still have a wild side. However the flame has purpose rather than chaos. God knows me through and through, He made me this wild fire. He also threw me some curve balls, leading me into a life I never would have envisioned for myself. I now find myself married, and expecting a beautiful baby boy. My lesson: submission. Not that I ever had a set plan for myself, but I never pictured being married young, starting a family and being happy with it. Yet God knew better.

Submission isn't about being tied down. It's about coming under God's mission and lifting it up. Being married isn't being tied down. It's being someone else's support and lover. Submission isn't laying on the ground "giving up". It's standing in Godly power, and allowing God to use you. Having children isn't throwing your life away. It's nurturing your life with the greater purpose of nurturing another life. Because we know that God will make all things work together for the good of His people (Romans 8:28), we can trust that we are submitting to nothing less than the best. Things may not look as we expected, but that's because it's better than we could have imagined.

Precious Life

Senior Photo

I haven't blogged in a long while. First out of fear of being followed by unwanted people. Then out of being busy finishing high school, graduating and such, getting baptized and finding jobs.  

Graduated :)

Being caught up only leads to dropping off several passions and activities I once did. Graduating high school doesn't mean I shouldn't continue to blog, or dance, or paint, or anything that I did before. Graduating high school shouldn't be where I dump my passions, becoming a person only working just to get by and over works for one second of fun, maybe, in the future. As a graduate, a fire should ignite in my soul craving new ways to explore each passion. I was planning on going to Pacific Northwest College of Art in Portland, Oregon; super stoked about the idea of being engulfed in a community filled with artist's and quirky people. Needless to say; they are my tribe. However, miraculously coming up with 25 grand for the first year within months of being accepted is a bit... ambitious. And I was. Ambitious, hopeful, prayerful, the whole deal. But in this reality God controls where I go when, if I'm following that is. God closes doors and opens windows, so I deferred from Portland for a year and I'm still going to be in my mountainous home for another year, working, and trying not to lose myself in the work scene. 

Luckily God isn't a God who doesn't plan or is caught off guard. He knows where I'm going when and where I'll be when. Honestly this is the most reassuring piece of knowledge I have. As long as He knows what's up, I'm good to go along for the ride, I'll keep paddling along with faith He knows the journey and I know my final destination. Just after I graduated I was baptized, literally the day after. Of course that resulted in me being more excited for the baptism than my graduation but that's okay.

Being prayed over (I'm sobbing)

Preparing to be Clean

Dying to Myself

Resurrected in Christ

Alive

My boyfriend, holding me.

One was a physical transition, the other, a spiritual transformation. I was dunked in the river flowing by my church. My whole family was there, I cried like no other. God's grace was washing over me, His love is crazy. Just before I was dunked my mom pulled me aside and said "remember this, this is a transformation, everything is washing away with that river, you're new." And she was dead on. The water, even though I knew with my head that it was freezing, it actually felt warm, and slow motion almost. The water rushed over me and I could feel the old me, the mess up, the depressed, the desperate, the broken me, being peeled off of me and washed away, like after rolling around in mud for hours and then letting it crust over for a bit, then finally taking that shower, it just crackles and melts away. My broken self melted away. I am new, I am clean, and I am a woman of God. I'm empowered by God and I am ready to take on the world, because it's no longer just me against the world, I will be dancing in God's wonderland alongside with the Creator. 

The other day I was at church and there was another man talking other than our normal pastor. He styled out the sermon in a more interactive format, and being a smaller church it seemed to work pretty well. I sit in the third row back smack dab in the middle. Basically in the front, no one sits in the front two rows, I would sit in the front but then it's like sitting in the front row at a movie theater, you can't get the full picture. I've always been verbally responsive in everything, yes I'm that annoying person in the back of the theater who talks back to the screen like a football fanatic. This interactive format was made for me, because he actually expects me to respond. It became like english class, when no one would answer the question and my teacher would look at me because she knew I knew the answer. He, the Pastor, would look at me whenever no one would respond. Near the end he asked "How do we forgive people?" there was a point when everyone got silent, and he just looked at me, with so much love, not the creepy way, but with the love of God, the love of a fellow sibling under God, and he said "Yes precious?" He could see I understood. And I said "Jesus". The whole sermon was about forgiveness, and how if we don't forgive, when we are hurt, we fall into bitterness. We just continually reopen that scab just to make a deeper and deeper scar. After bitterness we will result to rebellion. We start to literally do the things that made you bitter in the first place, restarting the cycle for someone else. We end up justifying how we have the "right" to treat everyone badly because we were hurt. And then we fall under deception, we are convinced we are right in our wrongs. Now you see, I was convicted, not because anyone in the church was accusing me, or pointing fingers or anything that outsiders looking in might think we do, no that's not at all how it goes. It's God pointing out the little crook or dark alley in my heart that I need to clear out and allow His light and glory.

After the sermon I thought I should go and ask the speaker to pray with me, to help me not hold a grudge or not hold the people who have hurt me in my life accountable or hold their wrongs against them. Jesus doesn't hold our wrongs against us, He died for them! God has His heart broken every time we do something that isn't what He desires for us, every time we sin. The cross is a picture of God's broken heart, He displays to the world that forgiveness takes sacrifice, humility, and a heart of Christ. I spoke to the speaker and the first thing he said to me was "You get it, I knew that if there was anyone that this sermon was for it was for you as soon as I saw you." And he was right. God was speaking radically through Him to me, as I'm sure to a lot of other people too. We talked and talked and we shared testimonies. He told me "there are so many people who care about you, so many people who want to take care of you and so many people who love you here, I can see it". Tears were welling up in my eyes. I could fee   l my heart beating a little faster and I could hear God saying "Listen to him, he is telling you My heart for you." Then he gave me a book, a book he said "I read two books for the longest time when I was first saved and that is the Bible and this book." We said our goodbyes, I'm so amazed by how God can use other people to make such an effect in your life, such an influence. And I'm pretty sure if anyoneelse  had called me precious at any other time, it would have been a little creepy. ;)

God has me, and even though I can't afford to go to college this year, I can surely make the most of spending another year in my mountainous home. There's worst places to be :). I have a church that loves me, a family that loves me, and a boyfriend who loves me too, and now I just get to spend a year being saturated with this love and saving up money for this dream of mine. It's always sweeter when you work for it, it's like when you make your own feast on thanksgiving, the preparation is the sweetest part. So I pray God prepares my heart and my mind for my up coming adventures. 

Thanks for reading. 

Tranquility

It dawned on me as I stood by the seashore, waves licking the white sand, my problems and high school drama are miles away. No one could call me or text me to bother me about it. I felt a sense of serenity. More peace and tranquility washed over me as if the ocean itself was the solution to any stress I ever had. At first the idea of being on an island made me slightly claustrophobic, but now it feels more relinquishing than when I was in the mountains with miles to go in any direction. As if the mountains were more restricting than the vast ocean. The sun set stirred something in me, like I could finally breathe, I felt even older than I already feel. Really I've always felt older than I really am. Like I've lived several times before and that this really isn't my first rodeo, even if it appears that way.  I feel older than the high school drama and older than the petty issues that seem to be earth shattering to most 18 year olds. And it's not just because I can drink here haha. Now I need to find this aura within myself. I don't want to be dependent on the world around me. Just like my sense of confidence, I need to find my happiness from within and from God rather than be dependent on man's opinion or approval.

The heat of the island grills me and I openly accept the heat, hoping to trap some of it in my skin as if I could bring it back home with me. That way even when it's below freezing I could still be warm with the island's humid heat rolling in my pores. I wish I could just swallow the air and let it reside in me. I wish I could contain this beautiful atmosphere within my body, as if I could house it like I house the Holy Spirit. Today I got to experience another one of God's miracles in action. I went to a place called Stingray City. Basically I went to a sandbank that was waist deep and got to pet and feed stingrays. The way they caressed my legs with their fins (do you call them fins?) was magical they were ridiculously soft. Softer than a baby. Maybe if you slathered a baby with lotion and didn't rub the lotion all the way in, thats how it felt. They were all girls, and beautiful girls they were. I pet them and held them, I wanted to keep it. It was adorable. They are the most empathetic hypersensitive creatures ever. If you were super nervous they felt it, and reflect it, if you were loving and ready to just hold and pet and love on them, they were exactly the same way. At one point I was holding one, another was behind me rubbing up on me and there was another at my feet rubbing up on me. They were so soft but strong. At one point I found myself saying to them "Whoa girls you're gonna knock me over". Really what I could compare them to are ballerinas. So beautifully elegant and beautiful and they practically danced from person to person, but they were strong! You had to have a good footing because if they decided they liked you they aren't going to just brush up on you they are going to lay on you. When I fed them it was so crazy. It must have been where the inspiration for a vacuum came from. They sucked the squid out of my hand with no hesitance. I had a good grip on the squid too. I was holding it like an ice cream cone but with a firm grip so that the ocean didn't wash it out of my hand. Oh I loved them though. I want one for a pet! If I lived here I would want to be a tour guid if I could, or just go to it every single weekend. Of course that's in my hypothetical world where I am obviously rich. These things are so beautiful though. Their eyes were way more apparent than I ever thought, the anatomy of it was ten times more fascinating than any picture could ever express. They were so simple yet intricate and I wish I could have kept it. God is so good! He makes such beautiful creatures! It just blows my mind.

Thanks for reading :)

Grand Cayman

I do not understand how it can be soooo freezing at home and then so warm here at the same time. Well I am in Grand Cayman after all. Let me just rant about how much life sucks.

This morning I woke up just before 10 in a bed full of feather pillows. Then I immediately got my swimsuit on and a little sun dress over it so my mom and I could walk down to go kayaking. The hotel is so intensely air conditioned for some reason I got it in my head that it must be chilly outside, even though when we were outside the night before it was as warm as a summer day in CO. We opened the doors to outside and we were rushed with a wave of moist heat. Crazy! The sky is amazingly blue and the sun was so bright I walked with my eyes mostly closed for majority of the way to the stand to get the kayaks. My mom and I reached the white pure sand and removed our sandals. Stepping into the sand was like a mini bit of heaven engulfing our feet. The sand wasn't all too hot, just warm, and it was clean. Okay I know you're thinking "meghann, sand is not clean, what are you on....can I have some?" NO! I'M NOT ON ANYTHING! The sand was just sand, not rocks, not sticks, not seaweed, SAND! It was soft, walking was practically a moving foot massage. Behind the stand for the water sports, were these two hot beach ritz boys. You know, the blonde tan ones that they save for remakes of Baywatch. He had us sign and write our room number and basically handed us the kayak and lifejackets and told us to not go past the buoys. Mom and I paddled out into the clear multi colored water. The white sand was still visible through the turquoise and light blue waters. We maneuvered the kayak like dorks, turning in a gazillion different ways, usually not the way we wanted to go, we even accidentally hit someone else's kayak. Where are the breaks on those things anyways? As my mom and I enjoyed the scenery her hat flew off. She immediately jumped out of the kayak and swam towards it. After she retrieved it I had to paddle over to her so she could hop back in. But I think subconsciously she wasn't done being in the water because just as soon as she was back in the boat she fell back out on the other side. I can't blame her really I wanted to hop in the water too, just thought I would wait till we returned the kayak and then go into the swimming area, but she just couldn't wait. :) We headed back to shore and gave the boat back. The water is bathtub water warm. We literally just stood in the ocean, it was so nice. She and I are so much more used to the freezing water of california that if you want to go in you have to take trips in and out, 2 minuets in 10 minuets out 1 minuets in 20 minuets out. Unless you had a wet suit, but get real who wears a wet suit unless you're going surfing. Here if I wanted to go surfing on the nonexistent waves I could practically do it naked and still be comfortable. After that we went over to the pool and lounged on some sun beds. I felt like a cat, soaking up all the sun. I was so blissfully warm you could have probably successfully fried and egg on my back. I even got some color, and not red! The mexican part of my cultural makeup kicked in and I'm semi tan... granted I'm tan compared to my usual skin, not compared to other people, that's just not fair. We lounged there for a bit and I will probably go back down.

Obviously my life sucks.

Really when I look at this I can't help but just be praying over and over Thank You God! It's so beautiful. God continuously takes my breath away with his creations. Seriously it's pure art. God is the ultimate sculptor and the ultimate painter. The sky, the ocean, everything. The people. I think the dark dark skin is so beautiful, it's like they are melty dark dark chocolate, creamy and smooth and full. I think I need to start drawing darker people. A whole other form of inspiration. Praise God for this beautiful chance I have to experience this beautiful place that He made.


P.S. It's pirate week in Cayman, so if you're randomly here too and see a pirate running around, thats why.

Thanks for reading.

Push

This too shall pass,
One must endure,
Contractions and birth pains,
To birth a new life.
A new creation.
But this too shall pass,

Nothing is changeless,
Apart from God.
Yet residing in duration,
Alters one's faith,
In promise of change,
But this too shall pass.

No sensation survives.
Just keep pushing,
The promise abides,
New life resides,

So cut the umbilical cord,
Allow this new life to flourish,
Abound!
You will forget the pain,
And endure again.

We will never be given,
Anything that we can't handle,
So have faith,
You are God's creation.