Tranquility

It dawned on me as I stood by the seashore, waves licking the white sand, my problems and high school drama are miles away. No one could call me or text me to bother me about it. I felt a sense of serenity. More peace and tranquility washed over me as if the ocean itself was the solution to any stress I ever had. At first the idea of being on an island made me slightly claustrophobic, but now it feels more relinquishing than when I was in the mountains with miles to go in any direction. As if the mountains were more restricting than the vast ocean. The sun set stirred something in me, like I could finally breathe, I felt even older than I already feel. Really I've always felt older than I really am. Like I've lived several times before and that this really isn't my first rodeo, even if it appears that way.  I feel older than the high school drama and older than the petty issues that seem to be earth shattering to most 18 year olds. And it's not just because I can drink here haha. Now I need to find this aura within myself. I don't want to be dependent on the world around me. Just like my sense of confidence, I need to find my happiness from within and from God rather than be dependent on man's opinion or approval.

The heat of the island grills me and I openly accept the heat, hoping to trap some of it in my skin as if I could bring it back home with me. That way even when it's below freezing I could still be warm with the island's humid heat rolling in my pores. I wish I could just swallow the air and let it reside in me. I wish I could contain this beautiful atmosphere within my body, as if I could house it like I house the Holy Spirit. Today I got to experience another one of God's miracles in action. I went to a place called Stingray City. Basically I went to a sandbank that was waist deep and got to pet and feed stingrays. The way they caressed my legs with their fins (do you call them fins?) was magical they were ridiculously soft. Softer than a baby. Maybe if you slathered a baby with lotion and didn't rub the lotion all the way in, thats how it felt. They were all girls, and beautiful girls they were. I pet them and held them, I wanted to keep it. It was adorable. They are the most empathetic hypersensitive creatures ever. If you were super nervous they felt it, and reflect it, if you were loving and ready to just hold and pet and love on them, they were exactly the same way. At one point I was holding one, another was behind me rubbing up on me and there was another at my feet rubbing up on me. They were so soft but strong. At one point I found myself saying to them "Whoa girls you're gonna knock me over". Really what I could compare them to are ballerinas. So beautifully elegant and beautiful and they practically danced from person to person, but they were strong! You had to have a good footing because if they decided they liked you they aren't going to just brush up on you they are going to lay on you. When I fed them it was so crazy. It must have been where the inspiration for a vacuum came from. They sucked the squid out of my hand with no hesitance. I had a good grip on the squid too. I was holding it like an ice cream cone but with a firm grip so that the ocean didn't wash it out of my hand. Oh I loved them though. I want one for a pet! If I lived here I would want to be a tour guid if I could, or just go to it every single weekend. Of course that's in my hypothetical world where I am obviously rich. These things are so beautiful though. Their eyes were way more apparent than I ever thought, the anatomy of it was ten times more fascinating than any picture could ever express. They were so simple yet intricate and I wish I could have kept it. God is so good! He makes such beautiful creatures! It just blows my mind.

Thanks for reading :)

Critique Addict Anonymous

I have an issue.
I have an addiction.
I can't get enough of peer edit or critique in general. I love critique in dance, fencing, ANYTHING! Correct me because I know I'm wrong in one way or another! Not even wrong, just not the best. I could be better, just tell me how. Today in English class we were doing peer Workshops. Basically, we all get copies of people's poems and then we annotate them. Correct them. Make suggestions. And then so we don't feel like failures we give them reinforcement and comment on what we loved about the poem. I would love to do this for  EVERY one of my poems or essays. I love it. I can see students walking into the conference room with looks of dread, slugging their way forward, dragging their feet, rolling their eyes. But not me, I practically dance into the conference room ready for my writing to be torn apart and put back together. However I like it when they challenge the ideas in the poems, and the rhetoric and the figurative language the poem harbors. I love having my mind stretched in more ways than I initially believed it could! I love it when a teacher looks at my writing and tells me where I could improve. And guess what?! IT'S NEVER ENDING! THERE'S ALWAYS MORE! Same with dance, when I was on the school dance team we would dance the dance in groups so the rest of us could watch and then correct each other, basically playing the role of our mirror only they talk back and point out what we messed up or what we could be sharper with or where we could improve period. I wanted people to find the details to critique on. Tell me that my foot needs to me a little more to the left, or that I needed to get lower on the hip hop or that I need to put my arms straighter up so it looked like a touch down not a high V. All of it! I eat it up! What will I ever do? I am admitting my issue, I'm stating the fact that I want to become better, because there is always better. I want to grow, not stay stuck. Now tell me where did I mess up? ;) Thank you

The Reminder

What do I induce in people? What message is imprinted on their heart? More times then not I catch a defect in my motives, I discover myself yearning for approval of man aloft the endorsement of God. I'm craving to reverberate God's heart, despite my fleshly heart impaling through, insinuating it's better than God's heart. Flipping their hair over their shoulder several will say, "well then don't allow that to happen". I wish it was as easily done as said. It's a continuous struggle. Time after time, I have found myself convicted of loving another person more than I love God. I find myself infatuated with a person and completely at awe; but wait if this person is that great, then how much greater God must be. I'm not saying one shouldn't love people, that's the exact opposite of what we should do. As Christians we are called to love people with the heart wrenching, breath stealing, knee weakening love; as God would love them. As people, we are spiritual beings, not mindless creatures ran by instincts. Who/what really claims my heart? Does my treasure reside in my fleshly desires? Or is it embedded with God's heart? Constantly our pastor will remind us to not just go through the motions of being a Christian, but to truly live it out. In dance sometimes instead of doing the dance full out( as in, dancing as if we were performing at competition right then and there) we just mark it, for a break but we claim that it's really okay because we're thinking about it. Don't do that! Don't mark through life. Don't just think about life, live it! Do it! Dance through life as if you're dancing for God right then in there, even if you don't see Him. Because unlike in dance where the audiance is only watching during the two minuets we are on stage, God is watching and experiencing life with us day by day, moment by moment, breath by breath, move by move. When I was on dance team there was always one girl who would ask before ever dance we did, "Wait is this full out?" Why not just do it full out every time, and if it really was just a time to mark it, well you got to live fully for that much longer and that much more.  We will never get another chance to glorify and honor God in this way ever again, once we are in Heaven it's a whole different dance. Don't take for granted each moment that we are gifted, because each moment has it's value just as each verse in the Bible has it's value. Love with God's heart, not your fleshly heart which only craves rewards from it's "good doings". Love without expectations and love without keeping score or debt. Love should be free, not something that someone has to do this this and that to earn. I want my soul to leave love embedded on people's stories. I want to be the one of many who makes someone's day, or that makes someone feel better. I want to be a woman of God, because He is the only everlasting thing. Everything else perishes and spoils. If I latch onto money, or sex, or food, or things of this earth in general, rather than latch onto God, I will perish just as those things will and will live a life of misery. I don't type this to convict others or be one to condemn others, that's not my goal or wish or desire. I write this mostly as a reminder, a documentation for myself, so when I look back I can see my initial wish, and stay on track. Hopefully this is some form of inspiration to you guys as well, if you all think I'm a loon without a life sitting behind my computer with out a clue, then think that. That's not the impression I wanted to make but everyone has their opinion. Know my heart isn't in this looking for praise or looking for rewards, my heart is in this humbly and genuinely trying to share this beautiful message I gathered today. Our pastor reminds us to give whatever we have, whether it's talents or money or just a smile, abundantly. We are called to join in this beautiful giving, because God gave us the most beautiful gift of all, Jesus. And thank God that He demonstrated this beautiful love, so now we can exude the same sweet love. Thanks for reading this, have a great rest of the day :)

Summer Travels To Senior Trek

Meghann WHY HAVEN'T YOU BEEN BLOGGING? In all honesty I don't have much of a reason besides the fact that life swept me away and had new adventures, new struggles and new people to experience. My summer was filled with classic romance, a summer job at a smoothie shop and being incognito. Most of my friends didn't know where I was. However there are worst ways to spend the summer, being in California. My life may have been hectic elsewhere but in Cali, the beautiful beach and independence treated me well. Yoga on the beach helped too. ;) 

Part of what made California so beautiful for me was the first love I had the chance to experience. I have to tell you, I have never been treated so well. I can't even explain how confused I was when this guy wanted to actually pay for me, and still did it even if I argued. I just learned to keep my mouth shut and say thank you. Our romance could have been in a movie, but one of those happy go lucky ones, walks on the beach, going on the warf, driving around Burbank, or wandering around Santa Barbara, it was sweet and simple. Even though it ended, I would never take it back, it taught me that there are guys out there who aren't self centered or who don't have several medical issues and there is someone who will open doors for me and take me out on real dates. 

Now I'm a senior back at the school that I thought I wouldn't make it back to. I'm with my friends and with my scene. My life is so hard, I mean I have to start the day by making songs in my Music Tech class, poor me I know, and then I have to go to a Psych class where the teacher is beyond funny and plays the best games to make a point, don't start crying yet it gets worse,  then I have to sit in a class with a funny english teacher who loves writing and I HAVE TO WRITE POEMS AND MEMOIRS!!! WHAT?!  I know so hard! Then I have to go to an art class where all I do is paint and draw, then I have to go to Video Production to make commercials about pocket ninjas and music videos, but wait heres the worst part, then I have to go to a Photography class and take pictures! My life is so miserable I don't know what to do with myself. I would much rather be in classes like AP Calculous and AP Biology and be working my butt off just to get a C in the class. And guess what, it's totally horrid, I have A's and B's in all my classes, my parents are going to kill me! 

As you can tell my life is miserable, so out of pity you should continue to read my blog because now I'm going to post a couple poems and a This I Believe essay I wrote all of which might make you want to claw your eyes out, I'm surprised my teachers haven't failed me and kicked me out of my classes yet. 

Thanks for reading!