Tranquility

It dawned on me as I stood by the seashore, waves licking the white sand, my problems and high school drama are miles away. No one could call me or text me to bother me about it. I felt a sense of serenity. More peace and tranquility washed over me as if the ocean itself was the solution to any stress I ever had. At first the idea of being on an island made me slightly claustrophobic, but now it feels more relinquishing than when I was in the mountains with miles to go in any direction. As if the mountains were more restricting than the vast ocean. The sun set stirred something in me, like I could finally breathe, I felt even older than I already feel. Really I've always felt older than I really am. Like I've lived several times before and that this really isn't my first rodeo, even if it appears that way.  I feel older than the high school drama and older than the petty issues that seem to be earth shattering to most 18 year olds. And it's not just because I can drink here haha. Now I need to find this aura within myself. I don't want to be dependent on the world around me. Just like my sense of confidence, I need to find my happiness from within and from God rather than be dependent on man's opinion or approval.

The heat of the island grills me and I openly accept the heat, hoping to trap some of it in my skin as if I could bring it back home with me. That way even when it's below freezing I could still be warm with the island's humid heat rolling in my pores. I wish I could just swallow the air and let it reside in me. I wish I could contain this beautiful atmosphere within my body, as if I could house it like I house the Holy Spirit. Today I got to experience another one of God's miracles in action. I went to a place called Stingray City. Basically I went to a sandbank that was waist deep and got to pet and feed stingrays. The way they caressed my legs with their fins (do you call them fins?) was magical they were ridiculously soft. Softer than a baby. Maybe if you slathered a baby with lotion and didn't rub the lotion all the way in, thats how it felt. They were all girls, and beautiful girls they were. I pet them and held them, I wanted to keep it. It was adorable. They are the most empathetic hypersensitive creatures ever. If you were super nervous they felt it, and reflect it, if you were loving and ready to just hold and pet and love on them, they were exactly the same way. At one point I was holding one, another was behind me rubbing up on me and there was another at my feet rubbing up on me. They were so soft but strong. At one point I found myself saying to them "Whoa girls you're gonna knock me over". Really what I could compare them to are ballerinas. So beautifully elegant and beautiful and they practically danced from person to person, but they were strong! You had to have a good footing because if they decided they liked you they aren't going to just brush up on you they are going to lay on you. When I fed them it was so crazy. It must have been where the inspiration for a vacuum came from. They sucked the squid out of my hand with no hesitance. I had a good grip on the squid too. I was holding it like an ice cream cone but with a firm grip so that the ocean didn't wash it out of my hand. Oh I loved them though. I want one for a pet! If I lived here I would want to be a tour guid if I could, or just go to it every single weekend. Of course that's in my hypothetical world where I am obviously rich. These things are so beautiful though. Their eyes were way more apparent than I ever thought, the anatomy of it was ten times more fascinating than any picture could ever express. They were so simple yet intricate and I wish I could have kept it. God is so good! He makes such beautiful creatures! It just blows my mind.

Thanks for reading :)

Grand Cayman

I do not understand how it can be soooo freezing at home and then so warm here at the same time. Well I am in Grand Cayman after all. Let me just rant about how much life sucks.

This morning I woke up just before 10 in a bed full of feather pillows. Then I immediately got my swimsuit on and a little sun dress over it so my mom and I could walk down to go kayaking. The hotel is so intensely air conditioned for some reason I got it in my head that it must be chilly outside, even though when we were outside the night before it was as warm as a summer day in CO. We opened the doors to outside and we were rushed with a wave of moist heat. Crazy! The sky is amazingly blue and the sun was so bright I walked with my eyes mostly closed for majority of the way to the stand to get the kayaks. My mom and I reached the white pure sand and removed our sandals. Stepping into the sand was like a mini bit of heaven engulfing our feet. The sand wasn't all too hot, just warm, and it was clean. Okay I know you're thinking "meghann, sand is not clean, what are you on....can I have some?" NO! I'M NOT ON ANYTHING! The sand was just sand, not rocks, not sticks, not seaweed, SAND! It was soft, walking was practically a moving foot massage. Behind the stand for the water sports, were these two hot beach ritz boys. You know, the blonde tan ones that they save for remakes of Baywatch. He had us sign and write our room number and basically handed us the kayak and lifejackets and told us to not go past the buoys. Mom and I paddled out into the clear multi colored water. The white sand was still visible through the turquoise and light blue waters. We maneuvered the kayak like dorks, turning in a gazillion different ways, usually not the way we wanted to go, we even accidentally hit someone else's kayak. Where are the breaks on those things anyways? As my mom and I enjoyed the scenery her hat flew off. She immediately jumped out of the kayak and swam towards it. After she retrieved it I had to paddle over to her so she could hop back in. But I think subconsciously she wasn't done being in the water because just as soon as she was back in the boat she fell back out on the other side. I can't blame her really I wanted to hop in the water too, just thought I would wait till we returned the kayak and then go into the swimming area, but she just couldn't wait. :) We headed back to shore and gave the boat back. The water is bathtub water warm. We literally just stood in the ocean, it was so nice. She and I are so much more used to the freezing water of california that if you want to go in you have to take trips in and out, 2 minuets in 10 minuets out 1 minuets in 20 minuets out. Unless you had a wet suit, but get real who wears a wet suit unless you're going surfing. Here if I wanted to go surfing on the nonexistent waves I could practically do it naked and still be comfortable. After that we went over to the pool and lounged on some sun beds. I felt like a cat, soaking up all the sun. I was so blissfully warm you could have probably successfully fried and egg on my back. I even got some color, and not red! The mexican part of my cultural makeup kicked in and I'm semi tan... granted I'm tan compared to my usual skin, not compared to other people, that's just not fair. We lounged there for a bit and I will probably go back down.

Obviously my life sucks.

Really when I look at this I can't help but just be praying over and over Thank You God! It's so beautiful. God continuously takes my breath away with his creations. Seriously it's pure art. God is the ultimate sculptor and the ultimate painter. The sky, the ocean, everything. The people. I think the dark dark skin is so beautiful, it's like they are melty dark dark chocolate, creamy and smooth and full. I think I need to start drawing darker people. A whole other form of inspiration. Praise God for this beautiful chance I have to experience this beautiful place that He made.


P.S. It's pirate week in Cayman, so if you're randomly here too and see a pirate running around, thats why.

Thanks for reading.

I'm Sorry

Eyes lock,
There is no fear,
Only empathy,
There is no sneer,
Only gazing helplessly.

You may think I loathe you,
You may think I despise you,
I merely wish I could explain,
I desire no harm,
Or sorrow nor pain.

I pray for a healing,
A new transition,
A fresh life.
Replaying a nonexistent conversation,
Repeatedly in mind.

I want to shelter you,
With wings of an eagle.
Protect you from stormy winds,
Prevent a deathly frost.

But that isn't my obligation,
My responsibility.
No matter how willing I may be,
It's not healthy for you or me,

But look and see,
I still care for thee.

Critique Addict Anonymous

I have an issue.
I have an addiction.
I can't get enough of peer edit or critique in general. I love critique in dance, fencing, ANYTHING! Correct me because I know I'm wrong in one way or another! Not even wrong, just not the best. I could be better, just tell me how. Today in English class we were doing peer Workshops. Basically, we all get copies of people's poems and then we annotate them. Correct them. Make suggestions. And then so we don't feel like failures we give them reinforcement and comment on what we loved about the poem. I would love to do this for  EVERY one of my poems or essays. I love it. I can see students walking into the conference room with looks of dread, slugging their way forward, dragging their feet, rolling their eyes. But not me, I practically dance into the conference room ready for my writing to be torn apart and put back together. However I like it when they challenge the ideas in the poems, and the rhetoric and the figurative language the poem harbors. I love having my mind stretched in more ways than I initially believed it could! I love it when a teacher looks at my writing and tells me where I could improve. And guess what?! IT'S NEVER ENDING! THERE'S ALWAYS MORE! Same with dance, when I was on the school dance team we would dance the dance in groups so the rest of us could watch and then correct each other, basically playing the role of our mirror only they talk back and point out what we messed up or what we could be sharper with or where we could improve period. I wanted people to find the details to critique on. Tell me that my foot needs to me a little more to the left, or that I needed to get lower on the hip hop or that I need to put my arms straighter up so it looked like a touch down not a high V. All of it! I eat it up! What will I ever do? I am admitting my issue, I'm stating the fact that I want to become better, because there is always better. I want to grow, not stay stuck. Now tell me where did I mess up? ;) Thank you

How I Live

How I Breathe

By: Meghann Gutierrez

This I believe,

            My life is my breath,

I breathe in the present,

For the present is all I have,

            It’s all I have.

The past is merely a memory,

The future—a dream.

An illusion.

But the present is alive!

Flowing through my body,

Like the oxygen I breathe.

            Breathe in the present.

Smell it’s incents, and—

Before I know it… I’m exhaling,

Moving on to the next breath.

So make that breath last!

Take it in fully!

Feel;

It’s movement!

Feel;

It’s life!

Make that breath last.

For how I breathe,

Is how I live.

Don’t hold your breath,

For the dream,

Or the memory!

And I won’t hold mine.

Be alive with me,

For this I believe,

            Our breath is our life. 

This poem was inspired by:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pnNblizjuEk

The Reminder

What do I induce in people? What message is imprinted on their heart? More times then not I catch a defect in my motives, I discover myself yearning for approval of man aloft the endorsement of God. I'm craving to reverberate God's heart, despite my fleshly heart impaling through, insinuating it's better than God's heart. Flipping their hair over their shoulder several will say, "well then don't allow that to happen". I wish it was as easily done as said. It's a continuous struggle. Time after time, I have found myself convicted of loving another person more than I love God. I find myself infatuated with a person and completely at awe; but wait if this person is that great, then how much greater God must be. I'm not saying one shouldn't love people, that's the exact opposite of what we should do. As Christians we are called to love people with the heart wrenching, breath stealing, knee weakening love; as God would love them. As people, we are spiritual beings, not mindless creatures ran by instincts. Who/what really claims my heart? Does my treasure reside in my fleshly desires? Or is it embedded with God's heart? Constantly our pastor will remind us to not just go through the motions of being a Christian, but to truly live it out. In dance sometimes instead of doing the dance full out( as in, dancing as if we were performing at competition right then and there) we just mark it, for a break but we claim that it's really okay because we're thinking about it. Don't do that! Don't mark through life. Don't just think about life, live it! Do it! Dance through life as if you're dancing for God right then in there, even if you don't see Him. Because unlike in dance where the audiance is only watching during the two minuets we are on stage, God is watching and experiencing life with us day by day, moment by moment, breath by breath, move by move. When I was on dance team there was always one girl who would ask before ever dance we did, "Wait is this full out?" Why not just do it full out every time, and if it really was just a time to mark it, well you got to live fully for that much longer and that much more.  We will never get another chance to glorify and honor God in this way ever again, once we are in Heaven it's a whole different dance. Don't take for granted each moment that we are gifted, because each moment has it's value just as each verse in the Bible has it's value. Love with God's heart, not your fleshly heart which only craves rewards from it's "good doings". Love without expectations and love without keeping score or debt. Love should be free, not something that someone has to do this this and that to earn. I want my soul to leave love embedded on people's stories. I want to be the one of many who makes someone's day, or that makes someone feel better. I want to be a woman of God, because He is the only everlasting thing. Everything else perishes and spoils. If I latch onto money, or sex, or food, or things of this earth in general, rather than latch onto God, I will perish just as those things will and will live a life of misery. I don't type this to convict others or be one to condemn others, that's not my goal or wish or desire. I write this mostly as a reminder, a documentation for myself, so when I look back I can see my initial wish, and stay on track. Hopefully this is some form of inspiration to you guys as well, if you all think I'm a loon without a life sitting behind my computer with out a clue, then think that. That's not the impression I wanted to make but everyone has their opinion. Know my heart isn't in this looking for praise or looking for rewards, my heart is in this humbly and genuinely trying to share this beautiful message I gathered today. Our pastor reminds us to give whatever we have, whether it's talents or money or just a smile, abundantly. We are called to join in this beautiful giving, because God gave us the most beautiful gift of all, Jesus. And thank God that He demonstrated this beautiful love, so now we can exude the same sweet love. Thanks for reading this, have a great rest of the day :)

Summer Travels To Senior Trek

Meghann WHY HAVEN'T YOU BEEN BLOGGING? In all honesty I don't have much of a reason besides the fact that life swept me away and had new adventures, new struggles and new people to experience. My summer was filled with classic romance, a summer job at a smoothie shop and being incognito. Most of my friends didn't know where I was. However there are worst ways to spend the summer, being in California. My life may have been hectic elsewhere but in Cali, the beautiful beach and independence treated me well. Yoga on the beach helped too. ;) 

Part of what made California so beautiful for me was the first love I had the chance to experience. I have to tell you, I have never been treated so well. I can't even explain how confused I was when this guy wanted to actually pay for me, and still did it even if I argued. I just learned to keep my mouth shut and say thank you. Our romance could have been in a movie, but one of those happy go lucky ones, walks on the beach, going on the warf, driving around Burbank, or wandering around Santa Barbara, it was sweet and simple. Even though it ended, I would never take it back, it taught me that there are guys out there who aren't self centered or who don't have several medical issues and there is someone who will open doors for me and take me out on real dates. 

Now I'm a senior back at the school that I thought I wouldn't make it back to. I'm with my friends and with my scene. My life is so hard, I mean I have to start the day by making songs in my Music Tech class, poor me I know, and then I have to go to a Psych class where the teacher is beyond funny and plays the best games to make a point, don't start crying yet it gets worse,  then I have to sit in a class with a funny english teacher who loves writing and I HAVE TO WRITE POEMS AND MEMOIRS!!! WHAT?!  I know so hard! Then I have to go to an art class where all I do is paint and draw, then I have to go to Video Production to make commercials about pocket ninjas and music videos, but wait heres the worst part, then I have to go to a Photography class and take pictures! My life is so miserable I don't know what to do with myself. I would much rather be in classes like AP Calculous and AP Biology and be working my butt off just to get a C in the class. And guess what, it's totally horrid, I have A's and B's in all my classes, my parents are going to kill me! 

As you can tell my life is miserable, so out of pity you should continue to read my blog because now I'm going to post a couple poems and a This I Believe essay I wrote all of which might make you want to claw your eyes out, I'm surprised my teachers haven't failed me and kicked me out of my classes yet. 

Thanks for reading! 

God's Sculptures

yay random flower thingy!!!

I feel like it's been decades since I posted on my blog. I've been so busy with school and such. So anyways! I will restart the "What In The World Is Meghann Wearing", I didn't take pictures everyday but the few days I did I'll put them up in one post. So this morning the sky was so beautiful with the streaks of clouds with the sun gleaming through the cracks. It just makes me think of God painting a picture of the sky every night and then putting it up for the world to see in the morning. Same with the night, he paints all day. I can just see God being a master artist, molding this world into His personal active piece of glorious art. So beautiful. When I was in ceramics yesterday, I learned that I like the class when I get to be on the wheel. Who knew that molding a slab of clay on a spinning table top with gooey, clay crusted hands could be therapeutic. I find it to be a calming way to end the day, it takes the whole class period and either you make something or you don't. If you don't well then you start all over the next day, or whenever the wheel is open again. There becomes a point in your craft that you can tell if something resembling a bowl or a mug or a vase will be the product of your work, and when you know it's not, it's so much fun to just muck with the clay. Make a weird shape or see how distorted the clay will be on a wheel. During my mini adventure with the clay in my fingers, I can only think about God molding our world, crafting it in the way He desires, perfectly. I'm God's ceramics project haha, I am his art, masterpiece, and he wouldn't spend so much time on making me the way He wants, if it wasn't worth it. When you make something worth keeping on the wheel, you feel confidence and satisfaction with yourself. It's a pretty cool feeling, I can only imagine that this is how God feels about us and this world; whether its painting the sky or shaping the mountains or sculpting us, He loves what He does.

Daril

No no no no no, not Daryl, not Daniel, not Da'June and most defiantly not Dameesha, its DA-ril, its okay to get funky with it, its the only way some people remember it. I sometimes call her "Dril" just cus I say her name so fast. But she replies to almost anything, I think I called her "coffee" once, it was early in the morning walking into school, on a Wednesday, its hump day what do you want from me, and well she replied. Shes pretty magical, an amazing singer, bass player, drum player, friend, I totally have dibs sooooo shes mine! But I figured I could be generous enough to share her with the world. Well and she asked to be in my blog so this is an introduction to her.

Yes we get weirder by the photo. If you could come up with a caption for this last photo, post a comment with it haha. Don't miss my earlier post from today! 

What In The World Is Meghann Wearing? #2 (yesterday)

So yesterday I came home to my computer that decided to have a mini freak out, it wouldn't even let me open  the Start Menu. I figured I shouldn't tell my parents right away (mom who I know is reading this) because they already believe I have a magic touch of killing electronics; I'm it's own personal kryptonite, or spilled glass of water. Sooooo I managed to start a little virus scan and I'm not sure how it works but my computer was functioning perfectly by the end of the night yay! I owe you a pic of what I was wearing yesterday, (read my last post on why I didn't post right when my computer started to like me again), nothing too exciting haha, but each of the pieces I find difficult to describe. I mean honestly how would you describe that pattern of pants? I'm not even sure of what fabric they are, they are most defiantly not jeans, but they are stretchy, but not like leggings.  I don't know, maybe you could describe it as a printer's throw up, the printer freaked out because of how much it had to print, so it just spewed out slices of paper, some with ink some with out, so you have this weird edgy pattern. As for the shirt, well its a bit more elegant. The red-orange top is strapless and is skin tight except for the extra piece of fabric draped across me. This little piece of fabric may seem useless to people who don't care for the stylish effect, however it is perfect to wrap up a little kitten, you now have a pouch, like a kangaroo, and if the kitten stays quiet you can sneak it away to your house! For you non-cat people, there are always small dogs. Now for the gray sweater thing, it matched and its cold outside. Simple, rather boring, but hey it could become extra warmth to you, and for the kitten/small dog in your pouch. Hurray! 

What In The World Is Meghann Wearing?

NEW SEGMENT!!! 

So everyday (or that is my goal) I will post a picture of what I am wearing for the day. Some of you will be slightly shocked, some will like somethings I wear, but I try and mix it up all the time. I'll also leave a description of what I'm wearing, and if it has any significance I'll share why. Feel free to comment, even if you're reaction is "What in the world is Meghann wearing?" thats okay, I enjoy those reactions

I've invested in new snazzy red lipstick, I did some simple brown/black eye shadow and two messy buns! I look like a cartoon character!

Today I decided to stick to the white, black, red color scheme. I have black tank with a Day Of Silence Shirt, a lacy skirt, with black leggings with zippers going up the side and black boots. The Day Of Silence Shirt does have significance. I am one of the officers of the Gay Straight Alliance (GSA), every year there is a day of silence, it is international, and its to recognize the isolation and muted voices of gay, bisexual and lesbian students who feel they can't express their sexuality or they will be bullied. Let me tell you something about myself, I am not exactly considered a quiet person. Okay thats a major understatement, I talk all the time, I laugh really really really loud and a ton, I talk louder when I get excited and it takes a lot to shut me up (except chocolate usually I'll be quiet if you put a plate of chocolate in front of me). Anyways I did the day of silence with my GSA and the rest of the LGBT (Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender) community and any supporters. It was extremely difficult and I will admit that I slipped up and I let out an angry "no" when so many kids were trying to get me talk. I've never felt so much isolation in my life, it was a very emotional day. One of my very good friends Ieva, made a video for the day of silence and I hope we can find it and get it on Youtube, it was incredible.  Its not about the sexual orientation, its about the fact that America prides it's self on granting freedom to whom ever wishes to have it. Yet we contradict ourselves by not allowing people to feel comfortable with their orientation. They can out law sexual orientation as much as they want but it's not going to change the fact that there are people of difference sexual orientation. So what is the point to it? The Day Of Silence is on April 15th, so mark your calenders. Please visit www.dayofsilence.org to find out about more. On the back of my shirt it asks a question, which is what I want to leave you with, and I want you to honestly think about it, don't throw it to the side, even ask other people. What are YOU going to do to end the silence? Please comment.

A few links on the day of silence if you are curious:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D6aMMIyUdt8

http://blog.dayofsilence.org/