It dawned on me as I stood by the seashore, waves licking the white sand, my problems and high school drama are miles away. No one could call me or text me to bother me about it. I felt a sense of serenity. More peace and tranquility washed over me as if the ocean itself was the solution to any stress I ever had. At first the idea of being on an island made me slightly claustrophobic, but now it feels more relinquishing than when I was in the mountains with miles to go in any direction. As if the mountains were more restricting than the vast ocean. The sun set stirred something in me, like I could finally breathe, I felt even older than I already feel. Really I've always felt older than I really am. Like I've lived several times before and that this really isn't my first rodeo, even if it appears that way. I feel older than the high school drama and older than the petty issues that seem to be earth shattering to most 18 year olds. And it's not just because I can drink here haha. Now I need to find this aura within myself. I don't want to be dependent on the world around me. Just like my sense of confidence, I need to find my happiness from within and from God rather than be dependent on man's opinion or approval.
The heat of the island grills me and I openly accept the heat, hoping to trap some of it in my skin as if I could bring it back home with me. That way even when it's below freezing I could still be warm with the island's humid heat rolling in my pores. I wish I could just swallow the air and let it reside in me. I wish I could contain this beautiful atmosphere within my body, as if I could house it like I house the Holy Spirit. Today I got to experience another one of God's miracles in action. I went to a place called Stingray City. Basically I went to a sandbank that was waist deep and got to pet and feed stingrays. The way they caressed my legs with their fins (do you call them fins?) was magical they were ridiculously soft. Softer than a baby. Maybe if you slathered a baby with lotion and didn't rub the lotion all the way in, thats how it felt. They were all girls, and beautiful girls they were. I pet them and held them, I wanted to keep it. It was adorable. They are the most empathetic hypersensitive creatures ever. If you were super nervous they felt it, and reflect it, if you were loving and ready to just hold and pet and love on them, they were exactly the same way. At one point I was holding one, another was behind me rubbing up on me and there was another at my feet rubbing up on me. They were so soft but strong. At one point I found myself saying to them "Whoa girls you're gonna knock me over". Really what I could compare them to are ballerinas. So beautifully elegant and beautiful and they practically danced from person to person, but they were strong! You had to have a good footing because if they decided they liked you they aren't going to just brush up on you they are going to lay on you. When I fed them it was so crazy. It must have been where the inspiration for a vacuum came from. They sucked the squid out of my hand with no hesitance. I had a good grip on the squid too. I was holding it like an ice cream cone but with a firm grip so that the ocean didn't wash it out of my hand. Oh I loved them though. I want one for a pet! If I lived here I would want to be a tour guid if I could, or just go to it every single weekend. Of course that's in my hypothetical world where I am obviously rich. These things are so beautiful though. Their eyes were way more apparent than I ever thought, the anatomy of it was ten times more fascinating than any picture could ever express. They were so simple yet intricate and I wish I could have kept it. God is so good! He makes such beautiful creatures! It just blows my mind.
Thanks for reading :)
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
Grand Cayman
I do not understand how it can be soooo freezing at home and then so warm here at the same time. Well I am in Grand Cayman after all. Let me just rant about how much life sucks.
This morning I woke up just before 10 in a bed full of feather pillows. Then I immediately got my swimsuit on and a little sun dress over it so my mom and I could walk down to go kayaking. The hotel is so intensely air conditioned for some reason I got it in my head that it must be chilly outside, even though when we were outside the night before it was as warm as a summer day in CO. We opened the doors to outside and we were rushed with a wave of moist heat. Crazy! The sky is amazingly blue and the sun was so bright I walked with my eyes mostly closed for majority of the way to the stand to get the kayaks. My mom and I reached the white pure sand and removed our sandals. Stepping into the sand was like a mini bit of heaven engulfing our feet. The sand wasn't all too hot, just warm, and it was clean. Okay I know you're thinking "meghann, sand is not clean, what are you on....can I have some?" NO! I'M NOT ON ANYTHING! The sand was just sand, not rocks, not sticks, not seaweed, SAND! It was soft, walking was practically a moving foot massage. Behind the stand for the water sports, were these two hot beach ritz boys. You know, the blonde tan ones that they save for remakes of Baywatch. He had us sign and write our room number and basically handed us the kayak and lifejackets and told us to not go past the buoys. Mom and I paddled out into the clear multi colored water. The white sand was still visible through the turquoise and light blue waters. We maneuvered the kayak like dorks, turning in a gazillion different ways, usually not the way we wanted to go, we even accidentally hit someone else's kayak. Where are the breaks on those things anyways? As my mom and I enjoyed the scenery her hat flew off. She immediately jumped out of the kayak and swam towards it. After she retrieved it I had to paddle over to her so she could hop back in. But I think subconsciously she wasn't done being in the water because just as soon as she was back in the boat she fell back out on the other side. I can't blame her really I wanted to hop in the water too, just thought I would wait till we returned the kayak and then go into the swimming area, but she just couldn't wait. :) We headed back to shore and gave the boat back. The water is bathtub water warm. We literally just stood in the ocean, it was so nice. She and I are so much more used to the freezing water of california that if you want to go in you have to take trips in and out, 2 minuets in 10 minuets out 1 minuets in 20 minuets out. Unless you had a wet suit, but get real who wears a wet suit unless you're going surfing. Here if I wanted to go surfing on the nonexistent waves I could practically do it naked and still be comfortable. After that we went over to the pool and lounged on some sun beds. I felt like a cat, soaking up all the sun. I was so blissfully warm you could have probably successfully fried and egg on my back. I even got some color, and not red! The mexican part of my cultural makeup kicked in and I'm semi tan... granted I'm tan compared to my usual skin, not compared to other people, that's just not fair. We lounged there for a bit and I will probably go back down.
Obviously my life sucks.
Really when I look at this I can't help but just be praying over and over Thank You God! It's so beautiful. God continuously takes my breath away with his creations. Seriously it's pure art. God is the ultimate sculptor and the ultimate painter. The sky, the ocean, everything. The people. I think the dark dark skin is so beautiful, it's like they are melty dark dark chocolate, creamy and smooth and full. I think I need to start drawing darker people. A whole other form of inspiration. Praise God for this beautiful chance I have to experience this beautiful place that He made.
P.S. It's pirate week in Cayman, so if you're randomly here too and see a pirate running around, thats why.
Thanks for reading.
This morning I woke up just before 10 in a bed full of feather pillows. Then I immediately got my swimsuit on and a little sun dress over it so my mom and I could walk down to go kayaking. The hotel is so intensely air conditioned for some reason I got it in my head that it must be chilly outside, even though when we were outside the night before it was as warm as a summer day in CO. We opened the doors to outside and we were rushed with a wave of moist heat. Crazy! The sky is amazingly blue and the sun was so bright I walked with my eyes mostly closed for majority of the way to the stand to get the kayaks. My mom and I reached the white pure sand and removed our sandals. Stepping into the sand was like a mini bit of heaven engulfing our feet. The sand wasn't all too hot, just warm, and it was clean. Okay I know you're thinking "meghann, sand is not clean, what are you on....can I have some?" NO! I'M NOT ON ANYTHING! The sand was just sand, not rocks, not sticks, not seaweed, SAND! It was soft, walking was practically a moving foot massage. Behind the stand for the water sports, were these two hot beach ritz boys. You know, the blonde tan ones that they save for remakes of Baywatch. He had us sign and write our room number and basically handed us the kayak and lifejackets and told us to not go past the buoys. Mom and I paddled out into the clear multi colored water. The white sand was still visible through the turquoise and light blue waters. We maneuvered the kayak like dorks, turning in a gazillion different ways, usually not the way we wanted to go, we even accidentally hit someone else's kayak. Where are the breaks on those things anyways? As my mom and I enjoyed the scenery her hat flew off. She immediately jumped out of the kayak and swam towards it. After she retrieved it I had to paddle over to her so she could hop back in. But I think subconsciously she wasn't done being in the water because just as soon as she was back in the boat she fell back out on the other side. I can't blame her really I wanted to hop in the water too, just thought I would wait till we returned the kayak and then go into the swimming area, but she just couldn't wait. :) We headed back to shore and gave the boat back. The water is bathtub water warm. We literally just stood in the ocean, it was so nice. She and I are so much more used to the freezing water of california that if you want to go in you have to take trips in and out, 2 minuets in 10 minuets out 1 minuets in 20 minuets out. Unless you had a wet suit, but get real who wears a wet suit unless you're going surfing. Here if I wanted to go surfing on the nonexistent waves I could practically do it naked and still be comfortable. After that we went over to the pool and lounged on some sun beds. I felt like a cat, soaking up all the sun. I was so blissfully warm you could have probably successfully fried and egg on my back. I even got some color, and not red! The mexican part of my cultural makeup kicked in and I'm semi tan... granted I'm tan compared to my usual skin, not compared to other people, that's just not fair. We lounged there for a bit and I will probably go back down.
Obviously my life sucks.
Really when I look at this I can't help but just be praying over and over Thank You God! It's so beautiful. God continuously takes my breath away with his creations. Seriously it's pure art. God is the ultimate sculptor and the ultimate painter. The sky, the ocean, everything. The people. I think the dark dark skin is so beautiful, it's like they are melty dark dark chocolate, creamy and smooth and full. I think I need to start drawing darker people. A whole other form of inspiration. Praise God for this beautiful chance I have to experience this beautiful place that He made.
P.S. It's pirate week in Cayman, so if you're randomly here too and see a pirate running around, thats why.
Thanks for reading.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Push
This too shall pass,
One must endure,
Contractions and birth pains,
To birth a new life.
A new creation.
But this too shall pass,
Nothing is changeless,
Apart from God.
Yet residing in duration,
Alters one's faith,
In promise of change,
But this too shall pass.
No sensation survives.
Just keep pushing,
The promise abides,
New life resides,
So cut the umbilical cord,
Allow this new life to flourish,
Abound!
You will forget the pain,
And endure again.
We will never be given,
Anything that we can't handle,
So have faith,
You are God's creation.
One must endure,
Contractions and birth pains,
To birth a new life.
A new creation.
But this too shall pass,
Nothing is changeless,
Apart from God.
Yet residing in duration,
Alters one's faith,
In promise of change,
But this too shall pass.
No sensation survives.
Just keep pushing,
The promise abides,
New life resides,
So cut the umbilical cord,
Allow this new life to flourish,
Abound!
You will forget the pain,
And endure again.
We will never be given,
Anything that we can't handle,
So have faith,
You are God's creation.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
I'm Sorry
Eyes lock,
There is no fear,
Only empathy,
There is no sneer,
Only gazing helplessly.
You may think I loathe you,
You may think I despise you,
I merely wish I could explain,
I desire no harm,
Or sorrow nor pain.
I pray for a healing,
A new transition,
A fresh life.
Replaying a nonexistent conversation,
Repeatedly in mind.
I want to shelter you,
With wings of an eagle.
Protect you from stormy winds,
Prevent a deathly frost.
But that isn't my obligation,
My responsibility.
No matter how willing I may be,
It's not healthy for you or me,
But look and see,
I still care for thee.
There is no fear,
Only empathy,
There is no sneer,
Only gazing helplessly.
You may think I loathe you,
You may think I despise you,
I merely wish I could explain,
I desire no harm,
Or sorrow nor pain.
I pray for a healing,
A new transition,
A fresh life.
Replaying a nonexistent conversation,
Repeatedly in mind.
I want to shelter you,
With wings of an eagle.
Protect you from stormy winds,
Prevent a deathly frost.
But that isn't my obligation,
My responsibility.
No matter how willing I may be,
It's not healthy for you or me,
But look and see,
I still care for thee.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Critique Addict Anonymous
I have an issue.
I have an addiction.
I can't get enough of peer edit or critique in general. I love critique in dance, fencing, ANYTHING! Correct me because I know I'm wrong in one way or another! Not even wrong, just not the best. I could be better, just tell me how. Today in English class we were doing peer Workshops. Basically, we all get copies of people's poems and then we annotate them. Correct them. Make suggestions. And then so we don't feel like failures we give them reinforcement and comment on what we loved about the poem. I would love to do this for EVERY one of my poems or essays. I love it. I can see students walking into the conference room with looks of dread, slugging their way forward, dragging their feet, rolling their eyes. But not me, I practically dance into the conference room ready for my writing to be torn apart and put back together. However I like it when they challenge the ideas in the poems, and the rhetoric and the figurative language the poem harbors. I love having my mind stretched in more ways than I initially believed it could! I love it when a teacher looks at my writing and tells me where I could improve. And guess what?! IT'S NEVER ENDING! THERE'S ALWAYS MORE! Same with dance, when I was on the school dance team we would dance the dance in groups so the rest of us could watch and then correct each other, basically playing the role of our mirror only they talk back and point out what we messed up or what we could be sharper with or where we could improve period. I wanted people to find the details to critique on. Tell me that my foot needs to me a little more to the left, or that I needed to get lower on the hip hop or that I need to put my arms straighter up so it looked like a touch down not a high V. All of it! I eat it up! What will I ever do? I am admitting my issue, I'm stating the fact that I want to become better, because there is always better. I want to grow, not stay stuck. Now tell me where did I mess up? ;) Thank you
I have an addiction.
I can't get enough of peer edit or critique in general. I love critique in dance, fencing, ANYTHING! Correct me because I know I'm wrong in one way or another! Not even wrong, just not the best. I could be better, just tell me how. Today in English class we were doing peer Workshops. Basically, we all get copies of people's poems and then we annotate them. Correct them. Make suggestions. And then so we don't feel like failures we give them reinforcement and comment on what we loved about the poem. I would love to do this for EVERY one of my poems or essays. I love it. I can see students walking into the conference room with looks of dread, slugging their way forward, dragging their feet, rolling their eyes. But not me, I practically dance into the conference room ready for my writing to be torn apart and put back together. However I like it when they challenge the ideas in the poems, and the rhetoric and the figurative language the poem harbors. I love having my mind stretched in more ways than I initially believed it could! I love it when a teacher looks at my writing and tells me where I could improve. And guess what?! IT'S NEVER ENDING! THERE'S ALWAYS MORE! Same with dance, when I was on the school dance team we would dance the dance in groups so the rest of us could watch and then correct each other, basically playing the role of our mirror only they talk back and point out what we messed up or what we could be sharper with or where we could improve period. I wanted people to find the details to critique on. Tell me that my foot needs to me a little more to the left, or that I needed to get lower on the hip hop or that I need to put my arms straighter up so it looked like a touch down not a high V. All of it! I eat it up! What will I ever do? I am admitting my issue, I'm stating the fact that I want to become better, because there is always better. I want to grow, not stay stuck. Now tell me where did I mess up? ;) Thank you
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Who Are You
" Tell us about who you are. What are your goals. How would you contribute to the school's community. Tell us about you"
About me?! What about me? There is no way I could just spew out my whole entirety in 500 words or less. How do you fit yourself onto a piece of paper? What part of me is relevant to an art college application? I could go the classic way of just saying "oh I love art and my goals are to be a studio artist and then sell as many paintings as I can." Except for that's not what I want. In all honesty I don't know what I want beyond the next four years. Really college, in my eyes, is a place to learn about what you actually want to learn about, not just another obligation the government forces upon you. Its a time for you to explore what truly interests you. What interests me? I just want to play. Is that allowed? Just to play? I want to experiment and see where this passion could take me. Where can this passion take me? I have no idea! I figure I'll just take opportunities as they come. I love to experiment with texture and layering acrylic paint to see the different patterns I can create. I like to make paper merge together in ways I didn't expect them to. I like to destroy books and make them into something beautiful. I like to create for the sake of creating. Painting and making altered books or collages is just a pure part of my being, it's practically my way of breathing. I have this over powering inner voice that is spewing out, in multiple different ways, whether its painting or writing or photography or via video or dance, I'm birthing this crazy creativity and I don't know what to do with it other than try and expand it. Lately I've been fascinated with pregnant women. Not because I want to physically be pregnant. Rather I feel like I'm metaphorically pregnant. Pregnant with new change and pregnant with a new life. A life of creativity and a life of expression. A life of allowing every emotion and thought spew out in a healthy beautiful way instead of bottling it up and waiting it to explode like a Mentos in a bottle of Coke; then I end up with a mess that's sticky and nearly impossible to clean up. I don't want to be another mess the world tries to clean up, I want to be an effective being in the community of the world. I want to be an effective follower of Christ as well. I don't want to just eat myself away in isolation and waste a gift that God bequeathed me. Truly I don't know how I will effect any campus I set foot on, for the longest time my mantra was " I don't plan on being the center of attention, but I won't be forgotten." Maybe that will be applicable to whatever campus I set foot on. Hopefully I touch and reach out to other people. Hopefully I'll be apart of someone's muse just as I know the other students and staff will merge with my many muses. I merely want to explore a community of art and explore new techniques to expand my voice. I want to discover teachers who are passionate about what they do and are passionate about the students and their work. I love to manipulate materials so they will tell a story. What's my story? My story consists of heartache and confusion and pain, but also of the joy of coming to Christ and of love and of deep friendships and a beautiful family. My story is chock full of trials and coming out of those trials more empowered and more powerful and stronger in Christ. My story has a father that abandoned his little girl intertwined in it, and my over coming that. My story is dense with a close relationship with my mom and having ridiculously loving and life changing friends. But most of all my story is laced with art. I have never been so passionate about art as I am now. Art has always been a part of me, but I never thought I could ever actually make something of it. Who knew there was a college for people who loved what I love and I don't have to just go to High School Part 2. Who knew that there is a community of young people out there craving the very same thing I crave. The only thing I can do now is take whatever chance I have to being involved in that, and apply for as many schools and scholarships I can. I'm impregnated with, and birthing, a life worth living.
Monday, November 7, 2011
How I Live
How I Breathe
By: Meghann Gutierrez
This I believe,
My life is my breath,
I breathe in the present,
For the present is all I have,
It’s all I have.
The past is merely a memory,
The future—a dream.
An illusion.
But the present is alive!
Flowing through my body,
Like the oxygen I breathe.
Breathe in the present.
Smell it’s incents, and—
Before I know it… I’m exhaling,
Moving on to the next breath.
So make that breath last!
Take it in fully!
Feel;
It’s movement!
Feel;
It’s life!
Make that breath last.
For how I breathe,
Is how I live.
Don’t hold your breath,
For the dream,
Or the memory!
And I won’t hold mine.
Be alive with me,
For this I believe,
Our breath is our life.
This poem was inspired by:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pnNblizjuEk
Sunday, November 6, 2011
The Reminder
What do I induce in people? What message is imprinted on their heart? More times then not I catch a defect in my motives, I discover myself yearning for approval of man aloft the endorsement of God. I'm craving to reverberate God's heart, despite my fleshly heart impaling through, insinuating it's better than God's heart. Flipping their hair over their shoulder several will say, "well then don't allow that to happen". I wish it was as easily done as said. It's a continuous struggle. Time after time, I have found myself convicted of loving another person more than I love God. I find myself infatuated with a person and completely at awe; but wait if this person is that great, then how much greater God must be. I'm not saying one shouldn't love people, that's the exact opposite of what we should do. As Christians we are called to love people with the heart wrenching, breath stealing, knee weakening love; as God would love them. As people, we are spiritual beings, not mindless creatures ran by instincts. Who/what really claims my heart? Does my treasure reside in my fleshly desires? Or is it embedded with God's heart? Constantly our pastor will remind us to not just go through the motions of being a Christian, but to truly live it out. In dance sometimes instead of doing the dance full out( as in, dancing as if we were performing at competition right then and there) we just mark it, for a break but we claim that it's really okay because we're thinking about it. Don't do that! Don't mark through life. Don't just think about life, live it! Do it! Dance through life as if you're dancing for God right then in there, even if you don't see Him. Because unlike in dance where the audiance is only watching during the two minuets we are on stage, God is watching and experiencing life with us day by day, moment by moment, breath by breath, move by move. When I was on dance team there was always one girl who would ask before ever dance we did, "Wait is this full out?" Why not just do it full out every time, and if it really was just a time to mark it, well you got to live fully for that much longer and that much more. We will never get another chance to glorify and honor God in this way ever again, once we are in Heaven it's a whole different dance. Don't take for granted each moment that we are gifted, because each moment has it's value just as each verse in the Bible has it's value. Love with God's heart, not your fleshly heart which only craves rewards from it's "good doings". Love without expectations and love without keeping score or debt. Love should be free, not something that someone has to do this this and that to earn. I want my soul to leave love embedded on people's stories. I want to be the one of many who makes someone's day, or that makes someone feel better. I want to be a woman of God, because He is the only everlasting thing. Everything else perishes and spoils. If I latch onto money, or sex, or food, or things of this earth in general, rather than latch onto God, I will perish just as those things will and will live a life of misery. I don't type this to convict others or be one to condemn others, that's not my goal or wish or desire. I write this mostly as a reminder, a documentation for myself, so when I look back I can see my initial wish, and stay on track. Hopefully this is some form of inspiration to you guys as well, if you all think I'm a loon without a life sitting behind my computer with out a clue, then think that. That's not the impression I wanted to make but everyone has their opinion. Know my heart isn't in this looking for praise or looking for rewards, my heart is in this humbly and genuinely trying to share this beautiful message I gathered today. Our pastor reminds us to give whatever we have, whether it's talents or money or just a smile, abundantly. We are called to join in this beautiful giving, because God gave us the most beautiful gift of all, Jesus. And thank God that He demonstrated this beautiful love, so now we can exude the same sweet love. Thanks for reading this, have a great rest of the day :)
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Love Poems
This New Canvas
By: Meghann Gutierrez
My hooves scrape the
Forest floor, creeping my way forward,
Air gliding over my immensely arched spine,
My ears twitching, bowed nose sniffing, searching for warning,
Skeptical of the cool dirt ground beneath my four,
White speckled, elegant legs.
I encounter this mystifying ground-
Should I cross?
Black.
Solid.
Branded with patterned dashes.
Clip- clop, Clip- clop:
My hooves compose music on this modernistic
Black river of stone.
It feels steady. Even safe.
Abruptly the black air is lit,
My neck snaps to see where the
Source originates and it's--
You
Shinning brilliantly my eyes dilate absorbing you
Entranced by your beauty I cease on this sturdy asphalt neck stretched
Up with attentive ears captivated with your soft hum as you plummet towards me
The cool forest wind licking my fur I can be safely and vulnerably hypnotized
Your light shining brighter and brighter swelling inflating me and
My legs are locked but my heart bolts--
BAM!
You tear, right,
Through me. Cripple me.
To the ground. I lay here.
Frigid air nibbling at my cracked bones.
Organs smeared.
As if my-- blood.
Were paint worked
Into this asphalt.
For this... new canvas.
My heart now embedded-- on this highway.
Revealing, our anecdote.
For all. To. See...
My neck is twisted.
Toward the direction you fled.
To watch. You. Leave.--
Your light dwindling.
Away--
It dawns on me that I was never safe it was an illusion so I promise that
Next time I'll be sure to look both ways before I decide it's safe to step out onto the road...
Of...
Love...
So after Stephen broke up with me as luck would have it, the next assignment in my creative writing class was a love poem. My first reaction was "Really cus I feel like I just got hit by a car..." hey maybe I could go off of that, so I did. This is my version of a love poem. Then I showed it to my Video Production teacher and he pretty much told me that I could drop all the assignments that he gives me and just do a huge project on it if I wanted to, so I went home and started drawing up a story board, hopefully I will have it done before I have to turn in my applications for colleges because this would be super cool to have in my portfolio. Thanks for reading, tell me what you think.
Oxygen
What you are about to read is a this I believe essay, it's not an essay in which to preach or teach others how to live. It's also not an essay in which you rant or you give the history of your religion. A This I Believe essay is about how you, only you, live daily, how you live, your mantra. This Is What I Believe.
Oxygen
Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale; my hand clenched the wooden pencil guiding it across the paper; I focused on the simple task of breathing—inhale, exhale. The confirmation “Something just changed, I’m sorry, we can’t be together,” still rang in my ears, mimicking an echo by bouncing off the walls of my skull. As I processed the words, my diaphragm seemed to collapse, crushing my lungs into oblivion. I hunkered down on the corner of my bed, dressed and ready for an outing with friends, only-- I couldn’t; I was frozen. I was baffled, affixed in that moment, I didn’t budge. I just listened to the distortedly, broken, sobs cracking from my convulsing chest and bursting through my mouth. My mom rushed home from work once she received a text my step dad sent stating, “Meg is uncontrollably sobbing, and I don’t know what to do.” My mom reeled me out of that duration. She bequeathed me the advice of “All you can do is keep breathing.” I broke out the art supplies and drew lungs over and over, rechanneling my focus on the present and breathing.
I believe my life is my breath. I’m determined to live as I breathe; full and deep. The present is alive, periodically adjoined with me, dancing alongside me throughout time. The present is my oxygen, I breathe it in—it stirs in me, gifts me animation and before I know it, I’ve absorbed everything I can muster; and it transforms into carbon dioxide, so I exhale, it emerges into the past, a memory. It’s so easy to focus on the break up with Stephen; the past. It’s so easy to focus on the future; deny myself the life I can live now and say “I’ll do it later.” Say I scamper away from how I feel in a moment; that feeling will last longer, leaping moment to moment, robbing more power than it deserves. The pure reason I keep enduring, is my oxygen. I believe it’s essential I live in the present or—I’ll never live authentically.
"Be here now, be somewhere else later. Is that so difficult?" (David Barder) I bear no tangible grasp of time besides the present moment; not the clock, not the sun, not the rotation of the world; the present. The past is merely a series of memories and thoughts, chronologically composed and bogged down in my mind. The future is an illusion, a dream, an idea that retains no promise or certainty. The present is certain and inevitable. How I live right now, is how I live my life. I can’t alter the past or predict the future, both are out of my dominance, but what I do right now is up to me. If I live each moment of my life with purpose, meaning and excitement; then I can only fathom that my life will be impregnated with purpose, and meaning, and excitement. This, I believe, live in the present, and I’ll truly live.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Summer Travels To Senior Trek
Meghann WHY HAVEN'T YOU BEEN BLOGGING? In all honesty I don't have much of a reason besides the fact that life swept me away and had new adventures, new struggles and new people to experience. My summer was filled with classic romance, a summer job at a smoothie shop and being incognito. Most of my friends didn't know where I was. However there are worst ways to spend the summer, being in California. My life may have been hectic elsewhere but in Cali, the beautiful beach and independence treated me well. Yoga on the beach helped too. ;)
Part of what made California so beautiful for me was the first love I had the chance to experience. I have to tell you, I have never been treated so well. I can't even explain how confused I was when this guy wanted to actually pay for me, and still did it even if I argued. I just learned to keep my mouth shut and say thank you. Our romance could have been in a movie, but one of those happy go lucky ones, walks on the beach, going on the warf, driving around Burbank, or wandering around Santa Barbara, it was sweet and simple. Even though it ended, I would never take it back, it taught me that there are guys out there who aren't self centered or who don't have several medical issues and there is someone who will open doors for me and take me out on real dates.
Now I'm a senior back at the school that I thought I wouldn't make it back to. I'm with my friends and with my scene. My life is so hard, I mean I have to start the day by making songs in my Music Tech class, poor me I know, and then I have to go to a Psych class where the teacher is beyond funny and plays the best games to make a point, don't start crying yet it gets worse, then I have to sit in a class with a funny english teacher who loves writing and I HAVE TO WRITE POEMS AND MEMOIRS!!! WHAT?! I know so hard! Then I have to go to an art class where all I do is paint and draw, then I have to go to Video Production to make commercials about pocket ninjas and music videos, but wait heres the worst part, then I have to go to a Photography class and take pictures! My life is so miserable I don't know what to do with myself. I would much rather be in classes like AP Calculous and AP Biology and be working my butt off just to get a C in the class. And guess what, it's totally horrid, I have A's and B's in all my classes, my parents are going to kill me!
As you can tell my life is miserable, so out of pity you should continue to read my blog because now I'm going to post a couple poems and a This I Believe essay I wrote all of which might make you want to claw your eyes out, I'm surprised my teachers haven't failed me and kicked me out of my classes yet.
Thanks for reading!
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Bigger Than My Body
The other day I was riding my bike up and over hill after hill. Each hill as I went down gave me a rush of warm wind in my face and presented me with a rush of the sense of freedom. At the time I had one ear bud in and my iPod turned to the song Bigger Than My Body by John Mayer. I've heard this song several times and as a result the song was just background music. But with the rush of air going through my hair and sun kissing my shoulders, the meaning of the song fully hit home. I guess I always knew what he was saying, logically, but not with my heart. "I am bigger than my body gives me credit for". This took me back to a recent yoga class I took and the teacher said "hold this pose until you absolutely feel like you can't do it anymore...and then hold it for three more breaths just to prove to yourself that you have control over your body." Its a cliche of mind over matter, but it's beyond true. My body is fragile and forever aging, but my spirit, only grows and enhances. This is why I always compare me to a tree, I am always reaching for the sun and I have scars and knots and quirks and turns, but I grow past them. If I feel like my body is breaking down on me or if I feel it's at it's peak, my spirit is moving forward regardless, and God reminds me that my spirit moves forward for eternity with Him.
I will look in the mirror and do what any other person does, I pick at myself, I think "oh my belly is getting out there" or "my hair is way too frizzy" or "my face is lopsided" or "my face looks like a pizza with extra pepperonis". Doing this only brings you down which is kind of a "no duh" moment but it's true. I find myself thinking lower and lower of myself every time I look in the mirror. I have literally told one of my dearest friends that I wish, I WISH that there was no such thing as a reflection so I would never notice how hideous I felt. Now I say "how hideous I felt" because if I actually publish that "I am hideous" then it would just be embedded in my brain as if it was official or as if I now had physical proof. The mind will play dirty tricks on us, no matter how gorgeous someone is they always find something wrong or think something is wrong when really that's part of what makes them so stunning. I am not hideous. Society has seem to have taught us that we have to aim for "theres always something better, or more, or bigger" that we are never good enough. That our looks, the natural face that God has given us, isn't even good enough to publish in magazines, they have to be photoshopped before exposed to the world. What defines beauty? And does our bodies trap what is inside of us? We are bigger than our bodies.
I tried something, which might sound silly to some but it actually helped, I asked a few people that I know care for me for 10 things that they liked about me. A few people even did more than 10 being the people I adore. You know what? Maybe one of the things people sent to me emphasized my "looks" or "beauty", and I'm not saying this as in "wow I must REALLY be hideous" I'm saying it as "look how much more there is to love in one person". We are FILLED with so many emotions, thoughts, ideas, stories, experiences, knowledge and much much more, yet all people can think about in the morning is if their hair is flat or big or if their make up is right or if they have enough muscles or whatever it may be. I feel like it's almost a frowned upon thing for people to be confident in them selves or feel beautiful or handsome. That we must always pick at our selves like we are some 7th grade frog dissection, we just cut ourselves to pieces. Now of course there is a fine line between confidence and cocky and it's hard to figure out which one is which, I would love to say that I had the answer and that I had all the confidence in the world, but I don't. But I can tell you where to look for this confidence and love. Some people refer to Him as Father or Lord or King of Kings or Yahweh or I AM or God or Jesus. Whatever you call Him, He has the answer. He also promises us a life of eternity with Him and that's our souls not our bodies, I have to remind myself of this every day, it's my soul that matters. Now does this mean I can go trash my body and abuse it as much as I like? Of course not it is still the temple of the Holy Spirit, but is it on the top three things that matters? No.
My body isn't my limitation. My body is given to me, molded by, shaped by, created into a piece of art by God. Why do I waste time tearing it down? Why do I spend more time criticizing myself than loving myself? When can I change that? It's a process but eventually it wont matter what I think about my body, because God will show me what it means to Him.
My body isn't my limitation! I can do whatever I put my MIND to. I can go dance my little ass off if I want to! I can go do yoga till my arms run away from me! I can paint the world! I can worship God in any way I want! Nothing is stopping me, but myself. My fear of failure locks me, traps me, in a cage of doubt. If I just let that go, I can do more than I ever thought I could. If I just let go of my fear of looking ugly or doing something wrong or anything along those lines, I am invincible.
This is a call to the color-blind
This is an IOU
I'm stranded behind a horizon line
Tied up in something true
Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded (by)
All this pavement
Guess I'll circle
While I'm waiting
For my fuse to dry
Someday I'll fly
Someday I'll soar
Someday I'll be so damn much more
Cause I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for
Why is it not my time?
What is there more to learn?
Shed this skin I've been tripping in
Never to quite return
Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded (by)
All this pavement
Guess I'll circle
While I'm waiting
For my fuse to dry
Someday I'll fly
Someday I'll soar
Someday I'll be so damn much more
Cause I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for
Cause I'm bigger than my body now
Maybe I'll tangle in the power lines
And it might be over in a second's time
But I'll gladly go down in a flame
If the flame's what it takes to remember my name
Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded (by)
All this pavement
Guess I'll circle
While I'm waiting
For my fuse to dry
For my fuse to dry
Someday I'll fly
Someday I'll soar
Someday I'll be so damn much more
Cause I'm bigger than my body
I'm bigger than my body
I'm bigger than my body now
I will look in the mirror and do what any other person does, I pick at myself, I think "oh my belly is getting out there" or "my hair is way too frizzy" or "my face is lopsided" or "my face looks like a pizza with extra pepperonis". Doing this only brings you down which is kind of a "no duh" moment but it's true. I find myself thinking lower and lower of myself every time I look in the mirror. I have literally told one of my dearest friends that I wish, I WISH that there was no such thing as a reflection so I would never notice how hideous I felt. Now I say "how hideous I felt" because if I actually publish that "I am hideous" then it would just be embedded in my brain as if it was official or as if I now had physical proof. The mind will play dirty tricks on us, no matter how gorgeous someone is they always find something wrong or think something is wrong when really that's part of what makes them so stunning. I am not hideous. Society has seem to have taught us that we have to aim for "theres always something better, or more, or bigger" that we are never good enough. That our looks, the natural face that God has given us, isn't even good enough to publish in magazines, they have to be photoshopped before exposed to the world. What defines beauty? And does our bodies trap what is inside of us? We are bigger than our bodies.
I tried something, which might sound silly to some but it actually helped, I asked a few people that I know care for me for 10 things that they liked about me. A few people even did more than 10 being the people I adore. You know what? Maybe one of the things people sent to me emphasized my "looks" or "beauty", and I'm not saying this as in "wow I must REALLY be hideous" I'm saying it as "look how much more there is to love in one person". We are FILLED with so many emotions, thoughts, ideas, stories, experiences, knowledge and much much more, yet all people can think about in the morning is if their hair is flat or big or if their make up is right or if they have enough muscles or whatever it may be. I feel like it's almost a frowned upon thing for people to be confident in them selves or feel beautiful or handsome. That we must always pick at our selves like we are some 7th grade frog dissection, we just cut ourselves to pieces. Now of course there is a fine line between confidence and cocky and it's hard to figure out which one is which, I would love to say that I had the answer and that I had all the confidence in the world, but I don't. But I can tell you where to look for this confidence and love. Some people refer to Him as Father or Lord or King of Kings or Yahweh or I AM or God or Jesus. Whatever you call Him, He has the answer. He also promises us a life of eternity with Him and that's our souls not our bodies, I have to remind myself of this every day, it's my soul that matters. Now does this mean I can go trash my body and abuse it as much as I like? Of course not it is still the temple of the Holy Spirit, but is it on the top three things that matters? No.
My body isn't my limitation. My body is given to me, molded by, shaped by, created into a piece of art by God. Why do I waste time tearing it down? Why do I spend more time criticizing myself than loving myself? When can I change that? It's a process but eventually it wont matter what I think about my body, because God will show me what it means to Him.
My body isn't my limitation! I can do whatever I put my MIND to. I can go dance my little ass off if I want to! I can go do yoga till my arms run away from me! I can paint the world! I can worship God in any way I want! Nothing is stopping me, but myself. My fear of failure locks me, traps me, in a cage of doubt. If I just let that go, I can do more than I ever thought I could. If I just let go of my fear of looking ugly or doing something wrong or anything along those lines, I am invincible.
This is a call to the color-blind
This is an IOU
I'm stranded behind a horizon line
Tied up in something true
Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded (by)
All this pavement
Guess I'll circle
While I'm waiting
For my fuse to dry
Someday I'll fly
Someday I'll soar
Someday I'll be so damn much more
Cause I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for
Why is it not my time?
What is there more to learn?
Shed this skin I've been tripping in
Never to quite return
Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded (by)
All this pavement
Guess I'll circle
While I'm waiting
For my fuse to dry
Someday I'll fly
Someday I'll soar
Someday I'll be so damn much more
Cause I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for
Cause I'm bigger than my body now
Maybe I'll tangle in the power lines
And it might be over in a second's time
But I'll gladly go down in a flame
If the flame's what it takes to remember my name
Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded (by)
All this pavement
Guess I'll circle
While I'm waiting
For my fuse to dry
For my fuse to dry
Someday I'll fly
Someday I'll soar
Someday I'll be so damn much more
Cause I'm bigger than my body
I'm bigger than my body
I'm bigger than my body now
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Cootie Catcher Limitation
My life has taken an incredible yet difficult turn. Within days my life went from a simple high schooler finishing junior year, mountain girl, dancer, (who happened to have a stalker), to a girl who now can't tell anyone where she is and is missing out on her junior prom, end of year events and is getting a whole other start. It is all very exciting, but also a bit saddening, I never knew what it meant to home sick until now. After my safety had been threatened again my mom took action. She wasn't about to wait around and wait for me to get shot, or beaten or hurt in any way. With a day's notice I was put on a plane to God knows where.
How many new starts does one get in one life time? I have seemed to have 3 at least already. It defiantly keeps me on my toes but it also keeps me a bit scattered. I feel like my life is a cootie catcher, alternating openings and tabs with a new number and word. Although a regular cootie catcher is predictable because of the inevitable patterns back and forth, my cootie catcher's fortunes bounce between tabs and lands on whichever one God chooses.Only God knows what each tab says and which number leads to what. And I'm okay with that, because if I knew the pattern behind my cootie catcher of a life I would probably end up cheating myself out on the crazy adventure God has in store for me. All I can do is choose the different numbers God lays out in front of me and see where it leads.
I will be okay no matter which way I go because I know that God wont give me anything I can't handle. Does that mean it will be easy or painless or a smooth path, of course not. Each way I go will make me stronger. Every mountain I climb I know that the next one will be a little easier because of the endurance and strength I have gained from the last mountain.
My clothes had to be shipped to me because I had no time to pack, but honestly when my clothes came in all I wanted to do was cry. You would think that I would be happy that I didn't have to live off the same 4 outfits I brought any more. But in all honesty it made the move seem much much much more real. The limited clothing made it feel more like a short visit, instead of a move. I am hoping that this isn't a forever change. It feels unfair that I had to leave because I couldn't be kept safe instead of the other way around. I don't want to ruin anyone's life and I don't want to be one that screams to have justice, but I think it is fair to say that I shouldn't have had been the one to leave. Don't get me wrong, I am completely grateful for the the early summer and the opportunity to try out some independence and explore a new city in a completely new and unfamiliar place. I get to make new friends when I find the chance and I get to have some work experience. It's defiantly a blessing in disguise but the sudden change kind of took my breath away like the first drop of a roller coaster. You know the ride is going to be fun, however that first dip always catches in your throat. It's exciting but terrifying at the same time, but isn't that one of the best parts of this unpredictable life God has given us?
This is just a reminder to dance in the rain, look at the silver lining and praise God that there is so many opportunities in this life and there is no such thing as being completely stuck. Even when you think you are too committed to something, school, sports, work, whatever it may be, there is always the option to drop everything that you are doing and start over. Thank God that is an option because He knows how messed up things can get, and He knows what is best for us even when we don't know. I love Jesus, He just saves me over and over and over, first from myself, then from temptations of this world, and now from others as well, He's more than I could ever ask for.
I made a cootie catcher inspired by this newly exposed journey laid down for me:
My personal Cootie Catcher says these things:
1: Rejoice my love, rejoice, in what falls and what flourishes. (Neruda)
2: He will give a crown of beauty for ashes.- Isaiah 61:3
3: The more difficult something became, the more rewarding it was in the end. (Unknown)
4: Trees have knots and scars but they still reach for the sky, do likewise. (<---self quoted)
5: Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed you could open one that leads you to the perfect road. (Katy Perry)
6: The present is just that, a present. (Unknown)
7: There is a reason we are called human beings and not human "doers", just be. (Unknown)
8. When life has been turned upside down, do a handstand and it will seem less crazy. (Keni Love)
Worship Song: Blessings By: Laura Story
How many new starts does one get in one life time? I have seemed to have 3 at least already. It defiantly keeps me on my toes but it also keeps me a bit scattered. I feel like my life is a cootie catcher, alternating openings and tabs with a new number and word. Although a regular cootie catcher is predictable because of the inevitable patterns back and forth, my cootie catcher's fortunes bounce between tabs and lands on whichever one God chooses.Only God knows what each tab says and which number leads to what. And I'm okay with that, because if I knew the pattern behind my cootie catcher of a life I would probably end up cheating myself out on the crazy adventure God has in store for me. All I can do is choose the different numbers God lays out in front of me and see where it leads.
I will be okay no matter which way I go because I know that God wont give me anything I can't handle. Does that mean it will be easy or painless or a smooth path, of course not. Each way I go will make me stronger. Every mountain I climb I know that the next one will be a little easier because of the endurance and strength I have gained from the last mountain.
My clothes had to be shipped to me because I had no time to pack, but honestly when my clothes came in all I wanted to do was cry. You would think that I would be happy that I didn't have to live off the same 4 outfits I brought any more. But in all honesty it made the move seem much much much more real. The limited clothing made it feel more like a short visit, instead of a move. I am hoping that this isn't a forever change. It feels unfair that I had to leave because I couldn't be kept safe instead of the other way around. I don't want to ruin anyone's life and I don't want to be one that screams to have justice, but I think it is fair to say that I shouldn't have had been the one to leave. Don't get me wrong, I am completely grateful for the the early summer and the opportunity to try out some independence and explore a new city in a completely new and unfamiliar place. I get to make new friends when I find the chance and I get to have some work experience. It's defiantly a blessing in disguise but the sudden change kind of took my breath away like the first drop of a roller coaster. You know the ride is going to be fun, however that first dip always catches in your throat. It's exciting but terrifying at the same time, but isn't that one of the best parts of this unpredictable life God has given us?
This is just a reminder to dance in the rain, look at the silver lining and praise God that there is so many opportunities in this life and there is no such thing as being completely stuck. Even when you think you are too committed to something, school, sports, work, whatever it may be, there is always the option to drop everything that you are doing and start over. Thank God that is an option because He knows how messed up things can get, and He knows what is best for us even when we don't know. I love Jesus, He just saves me over and over and over, first from myself, then from temptations of this world, and now from others as well, He's more than I could ever ask for.
I made a cootie catcher inspired by this newly exposed journey laid down for me:
1: Rejoice my love, rejoice, in what falls and what flourishes. (Neruda)
2: He will give a crown of beauty for ashes.- Isaiah 61:3
3: The more difficult something became, the more rewarding it was in the end. (Unknown)
4: Trees have knots and scars but they still reach for the sky, do likewise. (<---self quoted)
5: Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed you could open one that leads you to the perfect road. (Katy Perry)
6: The present is just that, a present. (Unknown)
7: There is a reason we are called human beings and not human "doers", just be. (Unknown)
8. When life has been turned upside down, do a handstand and it will seem less crazy. (Keni Love)
Worship Song: Blessings By: Laura Story
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things
‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we’d have faith to believe
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we’d have faith to believe
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise
Friday, April 29, 2011
Ten Reasons Why It Should Stop Snowing
I just took this picture, I know I live in a mountain town but come on!
1. The birdies will be confused and think it's winter and go away.
2. I would very much like to start seeing more than the color white, I feel like I'm in an insane asylum, I need color or you will need to send me to an insane asylum.
3. I need to get some sun on my legs, they are so white they literally reflect the sun, and I'm supposed to be Mexican, those genes obviously didn't make the cut.
4. The snow will make my mother depressed and thats no good, so snow; CUT IT OUT.
5. The mountain is closed therefore the snow is useless.
6. I just got a pair of flip flops and I would enjoy if I could wear them before the end of the school year.
7. I would like to walk down my ridiculously steep driveway with out fearing I'm going to slip and die.
8. I would like to be able to find shapes in clouds on a sunny day while I'm sitting in class day dreaming instead of seeing this big blob of white.
9. My winter coat's zipper has broken so obviously its a cosmic sign that the snow must go away.
10. I have lost my liking for snow.
My mom was telling me about some funny things people have posted on facebook about the snow, here are a few:
-"Old Man Winter you'd think at youre age you'd head to the desert for some sun and fun. Now scram!"
-"Mother Nature, It's becoming painfully obvious you have not been checking the suggestion box!"
-"Snow gods! Please save some for next year!"
And I said " I think spring is lying to me, it's secretly winter regardless of what angle the earth is at."
and " yea winter needs to get over it's self and share some of the spotlight with the other seasons GOSH!"
Have anything to say about winter? Post a comment. And pray the snow will go away!
2. I would very much like to start seeing more than the color white, I feel like I'm in an insane asylum, I need color or you will need to send me to an insane asylum.
3. I need to get some sun on my legs, they are so white they literally reflect the sun, and I'm supposed to be Mexican, those genes obviously didn't make the cut.
4. The snow will make my mother depressed and thats no good, so snow; CUT IT OUT.
5. The mountain is closed therefore the snow is useless.
6. I just got a pair of flip flops and I would enjoy if I could wear them before the end of the school year.
7. I would like to walk down my ridiculously steep driveway with out fearing I'm going to slip and die.
8. I would like to be able to find shapes in clouds on a sunny day while I'm sitting in class day dreaming instead of seeing this big blob of white.
9. My winter coat's zipper has broken so obviously its a cosmic sign that the snow must go away.
10. I have lost my liking for snow.
My mom was telling me about some funny things people have posted on facebook about the snow, here are a few:
-"Old Man Winter you'd think at youre age you'd head to the desert for some sun and fun. Now scram!"
-"Mother Nature, It's becoming painfully obvious you have not been checking the suggestion box!"
-"Snow gods! Please save some for next year!"
And I said " I think spring is lying to me, it's secretly winter regardless of what angle the earth is at."
and " yea winter needs to get over it's self and share some of the spotlight with the other seasons GOSH!"
Have anything to say about winter? Post a comment. And pray the snow will go away!
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Keni's Ongoing Metaphor
Today I had the privilege of taking a yoga class with one of my favorite yoga teachers and I was even more lucky when it turned out just to be me, Keni and the yoga teacher, talk about some major attention from the teacher! Our latest challenge has been the handstand. The other class Keni and I attended Keni was struggling to get into the hand stand, she has the strength and the strategy but there was something blocking her. The teacher told her that handstands are way more mentally involved than one would suspect. Its a mental block of going upside down. So Keni searched herself and found that block and moved it (easier said than done). She went into a beautiful handstand with out even hitting the wall, it was like magic!
Over the past few days I have been really focused on staying in the present, and experiencing my moment then and there. I have also been trying to teach myself to allow me to play, make mistakes, make risks and not worry about being less than perfect. I have been searching myself to find my mental block, reviewing the past few days in my head, reiterating thought after thought, searching for my brick wall. I have so many walls built up from having my trust and heart broken. How could I not? But as I look back I really see that the cement of my walls is fear.
After having the challenge of my trust on Wednesday (See my blog Just Trust), Keni sent me a voice message on my phone, and one thing she said was "it's like a handstand", a mental block. Sometimes people just psych themselves out, I'm physically fine, not a scratch or sore on me. But in my head I was going through battle after battle after battle, dwelling on the diaphragm shuttering fear that happened yesterday. I needed to let go, to breathe, to move forward. It was one day, and it's over. The best thing about it being in the past, is that I will never ever experience the same exact thing again. Maybe something similar but not identical. The only thing keeping me back was myself, and my fear.
I clawed the sticky mat so much to the point my knuckles were white, I tucked in my tail bone and filled my back, sank my heart forward and my arms in the back of my sockets. I sucked in a deep breath, as I exhaled I rose onto my toes and tipped my way on to my hands, and inhaled as I kicked one leg up, the other shortly following, I bounced against the walls. I squeezed my forearms together and stared at my white knuckles, I leaned against the wall, and thought of what I feared and why, then I said "It's all for you God, I have nothing to fear with You" one flexed, alive, foot came off the wall, shooting energy straight to the ceiling, I exhaled as I let the other foot off the wall and wiggled for a moment, then rested one foot on the wall. I took another breath and lifted up my foot, and some would say it's the rush of being upside down but my heart felt lighter and I let out a laugh as I stood on my hands. Satisfied I let one foot down to meet between my hands and then the other leg came down as I stood up.
Fear is like a handstand. You need to push the wall away before you can conquer it. You need to give it to God and He will show you the meaning of it. Keni says that life is like a handstand, you will get over the little things and then you're there. You're doing it! Now just feel it, breathe into it, be present.
The present is just that, a present. God has gifted us with so many things. God knew that this week would have been hard if I didn't have my passions to experience God through. God provided me with the opportunity to feel the life of my body and spirit engulf me with yoga. He gifted me the experience of playing with paints and inks and art to worship Him through my product. Each thing brought me closer to God. It also proved to me that I don't need to be involved in every church event thing ever to be closer to God. I can play with the gifts he has presented to me. God is just so wonderful, isn't He?
My songs for today are:
My Savior, My God- Aaron Shust http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gt0WluTpFTg
More- Matthew West http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LRIQxBJCRWU
Praise You In This Storm- Casting Crows http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUWbmtbzDno
Oh and a representative of the Day Of Silence organization contacted me and said they really liked my blog on the Day Of Silence and they posted it on their official blog!!!! Check it out:
http://blog.dayofsilence.org/2011/04/day-of-silence-student-voices-meghann-g.html
If you haven't read it you can just read it on there or you can find it under my archive, it's called Day Of Silence Journal 04/15/11 hope you like it :)
Over the past few days I have been really focused on staying in the present, and experiencing my moment then and there. I have also been trying to teach myself to allow me to play, make mistakes, make risks and not worry about being less than perfect. I have been searching myself to find my mental block, reviewing the past few days in my head, reiterating thought after thought, searching for my brick wall. I have so many walls built up from having my trust and heart broken. How could I not? But as I look back I really see that the cement of my walls is fear.
After having the challenge of my trust on Wednesday (See my blog Just Trust), Keni sent me a voice message on my phone, and one thing she said was "it's like a handstand", a mental block. Sometimes people just psych themselves out, I'm physically fine, not a scratch or sore on me. But in my head I was going through battle after battle after battle, dwelling on the diaphragm shuttering fear that happened yesterday. I needed to let go, to breathe, to move forward. It was one day, and it's over. The best thing about it being in the past, is that I will never ever experience the same exact thing again. Maybe something similar but not identical. The only thing keeping me back was myself, and my fear.
I clawed the sticky mat so much to the point my knuckles were white, I tucked in my tail bone and filled my back, sank my heart forward and my arms in the back of my sockets. I sucked in a deep breath, as I exhaled I rose onto my toes and tipped my way on to my hands, and inhaled as I kicked one leg up, the other shortly following, I bounced against the walls. I squeezed my forearms together and stared at my white knuckles, I leaned against the wall, and thought of what I feared and why, then I said "It's all for you God, I have nothing to fear with You" one flexed, alive, foot came off the wall, shooting energy straight to the ceiling, I exhaled as I let the other foot off the wall and wiggled for a moment, then rested one foot on the wall. I took another breath and lifted up my foot, and some would say it's the rush of being upside down but my heart felt lighter and I let out a laugh as I stood on my hands. Satisfied I let one foot down to meet between my hands and then the other leg came down as I stood up.
Fear is like a handstand. You need to push the wall away before you can conquer it. You need to give it to God and He will show you the meaning of it. Keni says that life is like a handstand, you will get over the little things and then you're there. You're doing it! Now just feel it, breathe into it, be present.
The present is just that, a present. God has gifted us with so many things. God knew that this week would have been hard if I didn't have my passions to experience God through. God provided me with the opportunity to feel the life of my body and spirit engulf me with yoga. He gifted me the experience of playing with paints and inks and art to worship Him through my product. Each thing brought me closer to God. It also proved to me that I don't need to be involved in every church event thing ever to be closer to God. I can play with the gifts he has presented to me. God is just so wonderful, isn't He?
My songs for today are:
My Savior, My God- Aaron Shust http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gt0WluTpFTg
More- Matthew West http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LRIQxBJCRWU
Praise You In This Storm- Casting Crows http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUWbmtbzDno
Oh and a representative of the Day Of Silence organization contacted me and said they really liked my blog on the Day Of Silence and they posted it on their official blog!!!! Check it out:
http://blog.dayofsilence.org/2011/04/day-of-silence-student-voices-meghann-g.html
If you haven't read it you can just read it on there or you can find it under my archive, it's called Day Of Silence Journal 04/15/11 hope you like it :)
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Fly, Be Present, Trust
Tonight I had the pleasure of going to an open art class, one not about how "good" you are or how "technically refined" of an artist you are or what the "final product" looks like. The class was purely just to play, and learn to allow yourself to not worry if something ends up "bad". It reminded me that I can't go into a painting or drawing and be scared about how it might "fail", or turn out looking like a 5 year old got a hold of paints. I didn't have to worry about what grade I'd get on whatever I made. I wasn't even told what to make. I was simply shown some interesting ways to play with ink and paint and markers and found my own way of playing. I ended up painting with a tooth pick and a smashed up paint brush and a Chinese pencil. But my mind was so caught up with my day (read my earlier post) and still stressed. The teacher told us to be present, to push out the world and focus on playing and healing yourself. Be present. We read several quotes to get into the mindset and my favorite quote follows: "We lose the power of the moment because we're so rarely in it. We're reliving the past or speculating about the future. We continue to believe that tomorrow's the day when I'll be more capable, more wealthy, more fit, and more loving. Yet intuition, creativity, connection, soul and inspiration are available only in the present moment.-Unknown Writer"
I had no idea what to make. Luckily we had time to write in the beginning this is what I ended up writing:
Trust is my word of the day. Trust in God, trust myself, trust the people around me not to judge but expect me to be nothing but me. I need to trust that I am safe and trust that I am cared for and people notice I am here. I am here, I am not transparent, I am Meg and nothing else. I am who I am and I have to trust that I am who I am for a reason and purpose. It was not a mistake. I have to trust that I am more than a bundle of atoms wrapped in sexual desire and natural survival instincts. I have to trust that I am more than an animal, that my purpose isn't only to extend the species.
My painting or whatever you want to call it ended up with my tree and a bird and almost looking like it has purple burns but not burns on it. It says fly all over some places more apparent than others, but thats just what I need to do, I need to trust, and fly with it. Here is what I ended up with: I liked it more than I thought I would:
It was extremely relieving to do this work shop, I feel much more free.
I had no idea what to make. Luckily we had time to write in the beginning this is what I ended up writing:
Trust is my word of the day. Trust in God, trust myself, trust the people around me not to judge but expect me to be nothing but me. I need to trust that I am safe and trust that I am cared for and people notice I am here. I am here, I am not transparent, I am Meg and nothing else. I am who I am and I have to trust that I am who I am for a reason and purpose. It was not a mistake. I have to trust that I am more than a bundle of atoms wrapped in sexual desire and natural survival instincts. I have to trust that I am more than an animal, that my purpose isn't only to extend the species.
My painting or whatever you want to call it ended up with my tree and a bird and almost looking like it has purple burns but not burns on it. It says fly all over some places more apparent than others, but thats just what I need to do, I need to trust, and fly with it. Here is what I ended up with: I liked it more than I thought I would:
Just Trust
Do something relaxing in the evening, get a good night's sleep, wake up with optimism, have a hardy breakfast, and be prepared to sit in a class room for 3 hours racking your brains on the ACT. This day was already set up to be stressful, I was already praying that I would be focused. I walk into school with a positive attitude, bouncy as usual, chatting away with my friend Daril. Our morning pattern is the classic "high school girl" in movies, we go into the bathroom and I watch Daril do her make up and blab about whatever is the topic of today. The bathroom is also the only place you could text without worrying about a teacher catching you by looking over your shoulder. I receive a text from one of my freshman friends saying "I just ran into your ex, I don't remember his name, he says he has to take the ACT". This was the ex who had previously harassed me, and now I have a restraining order against, 100 yards, its no secret, the school knows, my friends know so they could keep an eye out for me as well. I knew he was still going to night school at my school but otherwise he wasn't allowed to go into the school until 4pm and he had to leave at 8pm. My heart starts to race and I show Daril the text, her natural response is "Noooooo.....seriously?" We rush over to the wall that lists the classrooms people are in for the ACT. I find his name, he's just around the corner of where I am testing. You have to be kidding me, the school didn't even tell me! Am I wrong to think I deserve a warning if he is going to be in the same building as me. I understand he needs to take the ACT but couldn't they have warned me? Or told me? If it wasn't for that text I could have ran into him easily during breaks, or lunch, or whenever! I rushed to the bathroom to call my mom and she told me to just take my test and not to worry but be careful and don't go where he's expected to be. But I was completely shaken, I was teary eyed, and genuinely scared. I went to my testing room, the long way around, avoiding the room I knew he was in. I rushed into my classroom, my heart racing. They routinely read off the instructions mechanically, but I couldn't seen to tare my eyes off the door. It didn't make any sense for me to be so stressed out, he was in his room, he wasn't allowed to leave, I was safe, but all the logical reasons couldn't calm me down. My heart was pounding.
It was at this point that I realized I was going to break out into tears if I didn't do something. What could I do? I'm stuck in this room for 3 hours, I can't get out of my seat, I can't talk, but wait, I can talk, I can talk to God. I pressed my face into the palms of my hands to physically stop the tears and I prayed. I prayed for strength and security and to just trust that God wouldn't let anything happen to me. I prayed that my ex would be reasonable today, and that he would pray to God and find strength in God and not be tempted to come find me or go near where I am. I prayed for him to be calm and to be soothed by God. I prayed that I would have the trust in God, trust is the hardest for me after all the hurt I've been through. I repeated "Just Trust" in my head over and over. I imagined sitting on God's lap in His throne, like a little child sitting in their daddy's lap watching a game of baseball. I imagined Him holding me and soothing me, rocking me saying "It's okay, I have you, it's okay" over and over. I clung to that image as I plunged myself into the first test, writing. Good that is what I need, writing, I know writing. The questions almost amused me because of how easy they were compared to the AP English Literature multiple choice questions I had been doing for the past school year. I was able to turn my focus to the test at hand and not think of my fears, and ignore the fact that I was gripping the pencil harder than usual. Just Trust, I reminded myself. The next test was math, I was lost, I skimmed the test for questions that I might know the sequence of solving it. Most questions I had to guess on, I'm not a math person, numbers don't seem important to my life, numbers seem restricting in my mind. I don't like answers to be direct, this is it, this is the only answer and this is the only way to get to the answer. I like answers that vary and answers that have different journeys to the solution.
When I finished the test I just put my head down and floated back into prayer. I just talked to God, about why I was afraid, I told Him I didn't feel safe, I told Him I was hurting, I told Him I didn't want my ex to get into trouble, I told Him I didn't want to be a hindrance to my ex's life. I prayed that my ex would move on, and not even consider to walk in my direction. I prayed that I could just trust God. I felt fine to be in the room at last, because I knew only teachers were allowed in and out during testing.
Then the break came, I found Daril and we went to the girl's bathroom again. If it wasn't as crowded I would have stayed in there the whole 15 minuets but I felt like I couldn't breathe. I felt like we were just a herd of cattle, moved to the field to the stall. In and out of class rooms, the teachers being the cowhands.Daril distracted me and we ate donuts and didn't dare go around the corner where there was the possibility that my ex might be there. When the break was finally over I migrated with the rest of the class back into the testing area. I was still on end. Next test was Reading, thank God, another way to distract me. I made it through the reading just fine, being relieved that I didn't have to analyze the reading as in depth as AP English Literature. Then came science, and eventually the testing was over. I prayed to God before I left the room that I wouldn't even see my ex. But I was jumpy, Daril commented on how skittish and flinchy I was. We were going down the stairs on our way to go to lunch and I was telling her that I was just scared and I felt like he is just going to appear around the corner and see me and flip out. My favorite history teacher was walking up the stairs stopped and asked why I was scared, and what was going on, so I filled him in, in the most brief way I could manage through the stutters that took over my voice. Then my favorite history teacher told me that he personally watched my ex leave the school campus, and I let out this huge breath as if I was holding it, which I might have been doing. Thank God I could breathe again. My favorite history teacher assured me that my ex was no longer in the building and I was absolutely safe. And I thanked him a thousand times over as he continued his way up the stairs and he smiled at me before turning the corner.
My heart was descending back to its' regular speed but my body still was tensed. Just trust. God had my back and He wasn't going to let anything happen. I just need to trust. I'm safe, God is my daddy holding a baseball bat chasing away any evil that threatens me. I'm in God's hands, I'm safe, I'm loved and He won't I give me anything I can't handle.
Later today I have an art class I get to go to with my favorite art teacher, she used to be my 8th grade art teacher but she retired from teaching middle school and now just offers a community of art. I can't wait to melt into my art, and just let all the tension built up in me be released. Thank God for the gift he has given me, thank God that I can express myself through art and writing and movement. Right now my song is "How Great Is Our God" by: Seventh Day Slumber.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSDUppk1f98
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