Today I had the privilege of taking a yoga class with one of my favorite yoga teachers and I was even more lucky when it turned out just to be me, Keni and the yoga teacher, talk about some major attention from the teacher! Our latest challenge has been the handstand. The other class Keni and I attended Keni was struggling to get into the hand stand, she has the strength and the strategy but there was something blocking her. The teacher told her that handstands are way more mentally involved than one would suspect. Its a mental block of going upside down. So Keni searched herself and found that block and moved it (easier said than done). She went into a beautiful handstand with out even hitting the wall, it was like magic!
Over the past few days I have been really focused on staying in the present, and experiencing my moment then and there. I have also been trying to teach myself to allow me to play, make mistakes, make risks and not worry about being less than perfect. I have been searching myself to find my mental block, reviewing the past few days in my head, reiterating thought after thought, searching for my brick wall. I have so many walls built up from having my trust and heart broken. How could I not? But as I look back I really see that the cement of my walls is fear.
After having the challenge of my trust on Wednesday (See my blog Just Trust), Keni sent me a voice message on my phone, and one thing she said was "it's like a handstand", a mental block. Sometimes people just psych themselves out, I'm physically fine, not a scratch or sore on me. But in my head I was going through battle after battle after battle, dwelling on the diaphragm shuttering fear that happened yesterday. I needed to let go, to breathe, to move forward. It was one day, and it's over. The best thing about it being in the past, is that I will never ever experience the same exact thing again. Maybe something similar but not identical. The only thing keeping me back was myself, and my fear.
I clawed the sticky mat so much to the point my knuckles were white, I tucked in my tail bone and filled my back, sank my heart forward and my arms in the back of my sockets. I sucked in a deep breath, as I exhaled I rose onto my toes and tipped my way on to my hands, and inhaled as I kicked one leg up, the other shortly following, I bounced against the walls. I squeezed my forearms together and stared at my white knuckles, I leaned against the wall, and thought of what I feared and why, then I said "It's all for you God, I have nothing to fear with You" one flexed, alive, foot came off the wall, shooting energy straight to the ceiling, I exhaled as I let the other foot off the wall and wiggled for a moment, then rested one foot on the wall. I took another breath and lifted up my foot, and some would say it's the rush of being upside down but my heart felt lighter and I let out a laugh as I stood on my hands. Satisfied I let one foot down to meet between my hands and then the other leg came down as I stood up.
Fear is like a handstand. You need to push the wall away before you can conquer it. You need to give it to God and He will show you the meaning of it. Keni says that life is like a handstand, you will get over the little things and then you're there. You're doing it! Now just feel it, breathe into it, be present.
The present is just that, a present. God has gifted us with so many things. God knew that this week would have been hard if I didn't have my passions to experience God through. God provided me with the opportunity to feel the life of my body and spirit engulf me with yoga. He gifted me the experience of playing with paints and inks and art to worship Him through my product. Each thing brought me closer to God. It also proved to me that I don't need to be involved in every church event thing ever to be closer to God. I can play with the gifts he has presented to me. God is just so wonderful, isn't He?
My songs for today are:
My Savior, My God- Aaron Shust http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gt0WluTpFTg
More- Matthew West http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LRIQxBJCRWU
Praise You In This Storm- Casting Crows http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUWbmtbzDno
Oh and a representative of the Day Of Silence organization contacted me and said they really liked my blog on the Day Of Silence and they posted it on their official blog!!!! Check it out:
http://blog.dayofsilence.org/2011/04/day-of-silence-student-voices-meghann-g.html
If you haven't read it you can just read it on there or you can find it under my archive, it's called Day Of Silence Journal 04/15/11 hope you like it :)
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